Knots and Nots

Dear God.

Please untie the knots that are in my mind,
My heart,
And my life. Remove the hate nots,
The can nots,
And the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots,
May nots,
Might nots that may find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots,
Would nots,
And should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, 
Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
My heart,
And my life all of the "am nots"
That I have allowed to hold me back. Especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen.

Happy Birthday Doug!

So it's Doug's birthday today. And I can't even celebrate it with him. I didn't realize how sad that would actually make me, but it has. 3 years ago I'm pretty sure all I did was make some lame cheesy card in our radio class and give it to him. 2 years ago I spent way too much time on 2 mix CD's about us, and a letter that was ridiculously long and I didn't even give it to him. I gave it to his sister to give to him, which was just a bad idea. Note to self, little sister's read the letters you give to their older brothers if they know about them. Nosy little punks. Last year was an utter disaster with his friends. But at least I know my Russian CTR ring did the job it needed to. This year, I'm not even with him and I feel like it was an epic fail package I sent him. And next year I won't be with him either, so that's just lame too. It's not even the fact that I need some reason to celebrate with him... frankly, I just want him here. I know, I know. Suck it up, Buttercup. And I am. Really. I've lasted about a year now, right? How bad could the next one really be? Besides, I've only got 2 more years to plan one of his greatest birthday's ever. Hmm, maybe that's what I'll go do tonight...
Point is. Happy Birthday, love! I wish you could read this and know how much I love you. And see how amazing I think you are. And crazy awesome. And perfect. And fabulous. And... you get the picture ;)

A Day to Remember

So as I hopped on facebook today, I noticed a good friend of mine actually posted something (which he rarely does) and I was floored by what I read. And now, I'm sharing it with you, with small tweaks of my own, because today truly is a day to remember.
I wasn't alive during the Holocaust, and as a child I wasn't aware of the Rwandan genocide. But nine years ago I was a 10-year-old getting ready to go to elementary school and I remember the sinking feeling I felt as I watched an airplane smash into a building full of real people with real lives, real families, real hopes. Today I mourn man's inhumanity to man. I mourn the cruelty, the thoughtlessness, the violence, the hatred. I mourn the difficulty we have seeing that every human being is worthy of honor, of love, of compassion, of respect. I don't know how we fail to see that people who think and feel differently than we do still think and feel, that their lives matter as much to them as mine does to me. Life is sacred. Humanity is holy. Today as I mourn, I determine that I will be kinder because of what I remember. I decide that my sorrow will not turn to hatred, to vengeance, to violence, but rather to love, to forgiveness, to friendship. Today I want eyes to see the hidden sorrows that surround each soul, I want ears to hear the silent cries of the oppressed, and I want a heart that responds with a willingness to give of myself to help alleviate pain, sorrow, fear, hatred. Today I choose love.

Ugh.

So I just want to cry. Is that allowed? To just break down, because it seems like everything is falling apart left and right. It's like finally, Doug and everything is going great and perfect and never better in that regard. But everything else is just... not. And boy, am I ever sick of it.

"Hubby"

Seriously.
If I ever call my husband "hubby", then please.
Shoot me.
I beg you.

Death Traps

I got the worst possible news ever today. I mean, for someone who hates heels, anyway.
I just so happened to tell a story, which I also just so happened to be in heels for. Alright, alright fine. I’ll tell the story too. So on Sunday, it was one of Doug’s best friends farewells. He is going to Michigan. Anyway, I went to it, and me and a couple other girls were talking about how awkward it would be to hug Mason (the guy leaving, duh.) So, I surely wasn’t planning on it, especially since he basically hated me up until very recently. Anyway, I’m in heels right? And this girl I was talking with was all, “Go on, I already hugged him. It’s your turn!” She then proceeded to shove me, which, me being the awesome klutz I am (and also in heels, please keep that in mind), I went flying. Right in to Mason’s arms. And then he was holding me for a good 10 seconds, everyone laughing at us. And of course, him laughing at me too. Ok, fine, so I was chuckling a little as well. But the point is, heels are death traps. Oh, I forgot to mention that, because of said heels, I was just tall enough that Mason’s chin collided perfectly with my head. I then got a headache for the rest of the day. Yeah, it was fabulous…
So because of that story, which I wrote my fantastic Elder about, I got this response from Doug today: “Hey as you mentioned heels those are important to wear they’ve grown on me while I’ve been here.”
Excuse me? For someone who hates heels, that boy is asking a lot from me. Because essentially, he just implied he wants me to wear heels, basically all the time when he gets home. Does he realize how HUGE of a thing that is for me? I mean, honestly, I rarely wear them on Sunday’s to church or to any nice functions I attend. And now he’s hoping I’ll turn all Ukrainian on him when he gets home? I purposely tried to make sure I didn’t become all high fashiony when I was in Kiev just so he would be able to recognize me when he got home, and would actually still like the look of me. I mean, after all, he wears pajamas in public. He can’t be wanting me to look all up to do with him if he looks like that. Seriously, now he wants me to be Ukrainian. Gee, that would’ve been nice to know 4 months ago when I was still in the country…
However…
Hello? Does he remember how crappy my ankles are? Remember the time a couple posts back about how I basically DIED in Ukraine by messing up my ligaments, again. Yeah, that was with wearing running shoes. Just think of what would happen if I wore heels. Or what my back problems, or the knee problems that are sure to ensue? Or hey, what about the fact he’s only four inches taller than me? Yeah. Officially decided. My dear Douglas is crazy.
Oh well. I’ll humor him. I’ll try it out while he’s gone, attempt to get used to them just to appease his irrational desires. Maybe I’ll even wear them the day he comes home ;)

Life

Found a lovely quote of sorts today:

• My five year old, crawling up on my bed and putting his arms behind his head, said with a heaving sigh: "You know, mommy, I think I've got this life thing figured out."

Seriously. I wish I was this kid. Don't we all wish we were as brilliant as this 5 year old? I sure do.