As a Man Thinketh

Church today was a mega slap in the face. It was all about our thoughts. How they lead to actions which cause our successes and failures. Man, how true that is. Here's an analogy to explain what I learned:

Life is like a play and our thoughts is the stage. There are different acts within our lives, and within those acts are the scenes. Each act is a time period in our life; childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, parenthood, and so on. Each scene is a situation we are in; a grade in school, a date, a fight, etc. On each side of the stage are
two people, vying for our attention and the spotlight; Christ and Satan. We are the stage director. We choose who gets to go on and when, including the fight scenes and struggles we go through. But in each scene, only one of those people can truly be in control. So the question is, who do you want to be in control?

Christ or Satan?

The act I am in is young adulthood. My scene is waiting for two years while going to college into who knows what anymore. And I'm currently dealing with the big picture problem of my story line that is the ongoing struggle. The "I'm not good enough to please anyone." And "I can't let my past go so I'm just going to keep thinking about how utterly horrible I am." And let me tell you, this way of thinking sucks.

Our thoughts control our actions and the devil is trying his hardest to be in control of them. And to be honest, he's kinda got me right now. I can't break free from the hold he got on my mind years ago, which is causing so many internal struggles now. I'm nothing close to perfect, but I can't help but feel straight up horrible. Not because I expectmyself to be perfect, but because I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of some things I've done. I've tried and failed miserably, which I guess is the real problem. That I just keep coming up short. And this feeling of always coming up short in this regard has leaked into all aspects of my life.

I no longer think I'm good at anything. Not just no good at anything, but no good for anyone. I don't even feel like I'm good enough for Doug anymore, despite what he has to say about how I am. And I struggle with these thoughts every day, every hour. And every time I have to kill them before they kill me. But there are a lot of days where I don't win. And thoughts like these take over and take me down. But I was told something today, something that has changed my way of thinking.

I am better than I think I am. And God sees that. Even Doug sees that. And that's why he still believes in me, when I no longer do.

How I think makes me who I am. As a man thinketh, so shall he be.

I am a child of God. And I will treat myself as such. I will think of my father and I will be who he wants me to be. I will think of myself as Doug thinks of me, sees me; imperfectly perfect for him, striving to do my best, although I come up short, which is all he needs from me. That's all he needs from me. To think the best of myself so I can become my best self.

Here's to thinking the world of myself, and realizing I'm more precious than rubies.

Proving Yourself

Yes, that's right. Try as you might, you can't truly hide a thing, because God knows it all.Honestly, it's quite the unnerving thought. When you really think about it, anyway. He knows what you're going to do before you do it. He knows every action you are going to take, every decision you are going to make. He knows what classes you're going to register for, whether or not you're going to help that old lady with her groceries, what you did last summer. Yup, He even knows what you're going to eat for breakfast next week. And to think--you haven't even gone shopping yet.Sounds creepy, right? Or at least frustrating, isn't it? It's almost as though you're predetermined to do certain things; great at some, fail at others. Like God made you that way, made you to fail those 4 tests in one week, made you get that speeding ticket. After all, He knew it was going to happen, and He didn't stop it. It's not like you had a choice. In fact, it's almost as though you have no choice at all.If God knows everything, knows what you're going to decide, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of agency? That beautiful "gift" we've been given? We're supposed to decide and go with the consequences. Isn't that how the plan was made?So if we have agency, how does God know everything? How would He know what's going to happen? And if He doesn't know, that just makes everything I believe in come crashing down. If God doesn't know everything, then He doesn't know what I'm going through, doesn't understand my pain, and the atonement and repentance will never work. But that's not right.Can't we just fake Him out or something? Like, "Yeah, I'm walking here, and I'm totally going to turn left at the next corner... Oh, oh, snap! Fake left and I just went right. How about that God? Did you see that one coming?" Ironically enough, yeah, He did. But you still chose to look like a fool and try to fake out God.And there is a way for both to coincide together.We're told that God knows us so well that He knows exactly what decisions we're going to make. He is our father, after all, so it's only to be expected after millions of years knowing us. So think about this logically for a moment. Because He knows us so well, He knows what tendencies we have, the types of decisions we make and so forth. That's a given. So if that's the case, He has already determined where we are going to end up in the next life, hasn't He? I mean, He knows us perfectly, so surely He knows that. If we're going to make it to the Celestial kingdom, He's already aware of it. We can't fool him.So why come here then? If He already knows where we would end up, why send us here, knowing whether or not we were going to make it back in the end before we even get here? It's simple, really.What do we have to prove to God? I mean honestly, is there anything? Do we need to prove to Him that we can get back to Him, that we are capable? Not really, He already knows we're all capable of it. So that's not it. Do we need to prove to Him that we trust Him? Again, He knows everything, so doesn't He know that too, whether we really do or not?In all honesty, there is absolutely nothing we need to prove to God. Not a thing. How could we, even we needed to anyway? But the beauty of it, is that we don't.We don't do what we do to prove to God that we can get back to Him. He already knows we can. We do what we do and live this life to prove to ourselves that we can get back to Him. He already knows it all. Now, we need to know it for ourselves.

Training Wheels

Everyone told me it gets easier. They lied.
It's like riding a bike, they say. You might not do it for a while, but you always remember how to work that machine when you do the next summer. You are still steady and don't wobble all around like you did when you were first learning. You don't forget what it feesl like to pedal with your legs, with the wind blowing through your hair. That feeling stays with you no matter how long it's been since you last sat on that seat. I've been told this is similar. But those people were wrong.
It's not like riding a bike at all. It's been more than a year now and I don't remember much of anything. Sure, I know I should be able to remember what his hair feels like, the softness of his lips as they press mine. I should be able to recall the smoothness of his hands and the firmness of his chest when I lay my head to rest on it when watching a movie. But I don't. Not really.
It's as though I need training wheels again. As if I can't ride on my own anymore because the part of me that kept me stable and going is gone. And knowing when it's coming back doesn't help a bit, just like knowing that one day your training wheels will come off doesn't help the fact that they are still on. It's just this reminder that you can't do it on your own and you need help to get where you're trying to go. And I can't get there yet.
They all told me it gets easier; that once you've hit that one year mark, everything looks brighter because the number of days and months only gets smaller from here. You're no longer counting up to twelve, but down from it. You've gotten halfway and you're still going strong, or they say.
If that's true, why do I feel as though I want to break? Like my half a heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment because it can't handle not having its other half? Because that missing piece of heart is half a world away in a country I love dearly and miss severely. I lived in another country for half a year; please explain how the next year is somehow supposed to go faster than when I was there.I never thought it was going to feel like this. I mean honestly, how are you supposed to prepare for this, at 17 no less? No, no, I don't mean sending him off and being alone for two years. Although, that's a good point as well. But when I was a kid, I never thought love was gonna be like this. Where literally you're other half is with that person, and when that person is gone, that side of you is gone with him. Who knew something like that could start to develop in 17 year olds? And 2+ years later, it hasn't gotten any easier, honestly.
If it's just like riding a bike as they say, why can't I pick myself up and ride off into the sunset or up a mountainside?
Why do I need training wheels again?