I Can't Please All of You

You know, I'm really tired of not being able to make everyone happy. Honestly. It's driving me crazy. My wedding, for instance, that still isn't happening for forever anyway... yeah. It's already got people wound up in a knot.
I've got one mother saying no reception. I've got the other saying to have one. I've got one sister saying get an artistic photographer because I wish I had. I've got another who thinks someone in the family should just do it. I've got another person saying it all must be very presentable. Another who thinks a "campfire" and roasting marshmallows would be the perfect relaxed kind. Cake, no cake. Candy bar, no candy bar. Actual reception hall, just at a stake center.
Blah.
Blah.
BLAH.
I can't deal with this kind of stress. I cannot make all of these people happy. It isn't going to happen. I can't even freaking do what I want to do because I'm being guilted not to.
I thought my wedding was supposed to be my day... whatever happened to that?

Wedding Cake

Oh my gosh. I just got so excited.

This would  be pretty much the coolest thing ever.

I may have just found my wedding cake design.

m&m's. 

It's freaking brilliant. That's what it is.

Imagine it with red, black and white m&m's, with two little strawberries on top.

Like this:

I don't think I've found something quite so amazing before.

And for any girl who loves chocolate... how could you possibly go wrong with this??

The levels of excitement for my wedding just shot through the roof.

3 months until Doug is home.

Less than 5 months until I'm married.

AH!

It's finally sinking in :)

A Fish That Climbs Trees

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." — Albert Einstein

I always knew Einstein was brilliant (no pun intended) but seriously; this is perfect. There have been so many times that I have been put down by so many people because I'm not good at math, or the hard sciences, or statistics... I'm not one of the brainy nerds. But I'm freaking brilliant when it comes to reading people and their emotions, their personalities and understanding the people around me. I have this uncanny ability to analyze you subconsciously and store away the information for later when you need help. And most people can't do that. Most people don't have the ability to be this empathetic and sympathetic. Most people don't have the ability to read others like I do. And frankly, most people don't care like I do either. 

I may not be able to climb trees worth a hoot, but dang it; I can swim! 

Letter!

I got a letter, I got a letter! I got a letter, hey, hey, hey, HEY!

Only took a month and half... and 6 being lost...

But even so. I'm happy. And content :D

Aw, I love how happy this boy can make me. 3 1/2 months until he comes home?

Oh, ok :D

St. George Adventures!

So, as previously mentioned, I went to St. George over the weekend... I haven't had that much fun in quite some time :) After my loverly run on Friday night in the rain, me and Sheri watched too much Harry Potter and TV shows. And read way too late :P But it was totally ok, because we had nothing planned for the next day until Tuacahn that night. So, we decided to roam the city and see what historic things we could find :)

Brigham Young's Winter Home

St. George

Flipping awesome random camera made of wrenches, knives, forks, 

screwdrivers and other random metal objects...

That night we went to Tuacahn and saw their version of Grease :D It was great!

Not to mention the beautiful scenery...

Afterwards we got Iceberg shakes :D

And then Sunday came. And we had a homecoming to attend! And it was one of the more awkward times of my life... Nothing quite like meeting your boyfriends old Mission President who just got released a week and a half before!! The Fry's are nice though, so it wasn't too bad :P

Sheri made me get in it... :P

And then, before we left, we went over to the temple one last time so I could take pictures and suchness:

All in all, t'was a great weekend :D

Rain Run

So I'm in St. George. With Doug's mom. It has been great already :) I haven't gone on a run in so long, and I thoroughly enjoyed my run to the St. George temple (well, close to it anyway :P) and back to my hotel. And the fact it was pouring just made it all the better :D

A Little Soon?

All right, so it might not be for another 4 ish months, but I can't help it. It's my nature. And I might just be a little excited for the whole thing in general... Oh right. What thing? Well...

I'm pretty sure I found a photographer that I would die to have take my engagement and bridal photos...

Being into artistic photography and doing weddings and other suchness for people kinda makes me a photography freak. I stalk blogs rather frequently. I look at new ideas from wedding and engagement photographers frequently. I look at the colors, the design, the angle... and I critique them all. I've found lately that I'm pretty picky when it comes to photographers. Even if you can edit things well, that's just not enough for me. You have to be able to be unique, and have some sort of artistic twist in how you do things in order for me to be drawn to you. And here is the woman I so hope I can get: 

http://erinsummerillphotography.com

Yeah.

Needless to say, I am in love with her work. And gratefully, she doesn't cost an arm and a leg like some other photographers I know... sheesh!

It may be a little soon, but dang am I excited! 

Just Friends

Seriously people. Why are you under the impression that it isn't possible to be just friends with the opposite sex? What is wrong with you?!

"Do you like Jess? Are you sure? Because you seem like you do. He's attractive after all."

"Don't do anything now, I've got the lights on you two!"

"You totally like Jess! You've talked about him twice this week!"

"You have Jess' number? Oh man, you're totally gonna ask him on a date huh?"

No, I don't like Jess. Yes, I am sure. Yeah, he's attractive, and I still think Doug is hotter.

Really? I'm standing on one side of the car, he's standing on the other. How are we going to do anything when we're 5 feet apart anyway?

No, I talked about Jess twice this week because I work with him 5 days a week for 3 hours, and it's just me and him in a creepy house where lots of weird things happen and inside jokes occur.

Yes, I have his number, because me and Heidi stole his car and drove it around the corner and I had to ask him if my iTouch fell out in his car. Oh no. Oh freaking no. I must already be planning our wedding too, huh? I mean, I go to BYU I do after all right?

Good heck. Ya'll have issues.

Yes, I talked 3 straight hours, 5 nights in a row for 2 weeks to the same guy, and still found things to talk about; another guy, who isn't Doug.  Yes, I do still talk to him even though we don't work in the same area now. Yes, I did get a guy's number who I work with. Yes, I do randomly text him to ask him a question only a guy could answer. Yes, I stayed up until 1 am talking to him about problems in our lives. Yes, I sat outside of work until 3 am the next week talking to him and helping him with his girl issues. Yes, I am friends with him.

Did you catch that?

I am friends with him.

No, it's not just him that I can talk to for hours on end, 2 weeks in a row. No, he's not the only person that I talk to at work, even though none of us work in the same area. No, he's not the first coworker's number that I've gotten. No, I do also text other people from work randomly to ask them stupid questions. No, he's not the only co-worker I've stayed up until 1 am talking about our problems in our lives after work. And NO, he's not the only guy I've stayed up until odd hours of the morning with, talking about his girl problems, life problems, listening to him, helping him open up, and just being there for him!

I'm sorry, am I supposed to not be friends to people and help them with their lives when they need someone to talk to and vent with? I'm sorry I understand where he's coming from where most girls never would, and then wouldn't ever be willing to talk about it anyway even if they did. I'm sorry I see nothing wrong with being there for someone other than to just be there for them. I'm sorry I'm more accepting of people than you lot who are judging my actions and fidelity concerning Doug.

I seriously think that the next person who asks me if I like/have a crush on/am going to hook up with Jess before Doug gets home is going to get slapped.

And for the record, the answer to that pathetic and stupid question is a very big, very pissed off, very annoyed and resounding

 NO!!

Habits

People say that in order to make or break a habit, you have to go 21 days doing either or, and then it'll be made or broken.

But what if you can't even go 7 days? How do you make or break it then? Where do you people get the motivation? The reason? The determination?

Is this really just me that can't seem to stick to this stuff?

Stupid.

From Love to Bitterness

*Warning: this is a rant post. You may not like it. Read at your own... risk? I don't know. But don't you dare judge me by it; I'm human too.*

So I want to tell you all a story. It goes like this:

"Once upon a time, a few years ago, there were 2 great friends, friends that I would be so bold to call them best friends, at least for a time. Their names were Heather and Brian. 

They got along perfectly well; no drama about either one liking the other, music was a huge factor in their friendship, and they absolutely loved playing video games. They hung out pretty much all the time; went to concerts, did radio shows, ate gassed Oreo's, played Rock Band and sat on the roof talking for hours. He let her cry on his shoulder and protected her, she let him cry and be a real person. They told each other things they rarely told other people. Fears, dreams, pasts, hopes. They talked about their futures and how they'd always be friends, no matter what. She was going to write him on his mission and she would be married to another of his best friends by the time he got home, Doug. When they grew up, their kids would have play dates and their friendship would never die. Heather, Doug and Brian were a trio in high school and everyone knew it. And never once did she think that things were ever going to change between them.

But now, the friendship that meant so much to her is pretty much gone and has dissolved almost entirely..."

A couple years ago, shortly after all the good times we had, Brian started doing things that... well, weren't exactly things he should be doing. It started out small; cheating on girlfriends for instance. But that small things began to grow, and has continued to grow, for the past 2 1/2 years...

At one point, I honestly did call Brian my best friend. He meant that world to me and I wanted all the happiness for him. But just 2 short years has changed him dramatically...

He used to be a faithful LDS member. Someone who stood by what he believed and always made sure others knew that not only he loved them, but Heavenly Father did too. He was so in tune with the spirit. He always was able to help me and was there for me when no one else was. Now he says he's an extremely open minded zen buddhist... Whatever that's supposed to be exactly. 

I don't want this to turn into some bashing post about someone and how much of a horrible person he is. Because honestly, he's not a horrible person at all. Yeah, he's made a lot of decisions I wish he hadn't, and has turned his back on God, Christ, basically all his old friends and his family... but he's still a good guy. It's not that I have anything against people in other religions. I don't. Honestly, ask anyone and I'm one of the most open minded people and empathetic individuals you'll ever meet. It's really rare for me to be super judgmental and honestly hate you or dislike you because you smoke, do drugs, have sex, swear or whatever. I don't agree with those things, but it's your life to live. I accept that. 

I don't know. I guess I just... don't know. I talked to him for like 45 minutes tonight, and I haven't talked to him in, oh 4 months now and... man. He just keeps changing. He's not even close to the guy I knew in high school... I'm only 20. This is messed up! I just... blah. It makes me sad that the one person that I was once soooo sad would miss my wedding because he'd be on a mission... I now don't even want him there. Not because I'm embarrassed by him or don't care about him... but because I don't know him anymore. I've become so bitter because of him. Not because of him... but I've allowed myself to become bitter because he chose to do things differently than he'd promised me so long ago. Because he has agency, just like we all do. I'm bitter because he's gone through hell and back over the last couple years and he can't really figure out why what has happened to him happened to him. Even though it's because he made the choices that have led him there. 

I loved him. Correction, I love him. Truly, I do. I will always care for him; he was my best friend during one of the most important times of my life. I owe him a ridiculous amount of... everything there is. But everything about him makes me sad now. I don't want to let him go. I still have hope that one day he'll be knocked back to his senses and realize all the stupid things he's done and why he's had to go through all the pain and hurt he has. I keep hoping that one day he'll actually admit "Wow, I was stupid." And ask for forgiveness. But honestly, I don't see that day happening, not any time soon anyway... And I can't keep waiting around for it.

Because of how much he's hurt me, I can't even really talk to guys much anymore. Because I'm scared I'll become close to them and be good friends and then he'll turn his back on me, just like Brian did. That he'll backstab me and talk behind my back... not to mention leave me in the dirt, not caring anymore. I mean, I may not have ever been romantically involved with Brian, but as a friend he hurt me more than just about any other friend ever has, times 100,000,000,000, +1. And I miss having guy friends. I miss not having to deal with crappy drama with girls. And I'm bitter about that too.

How does so much love turn to such bitterness?

Man. I miss you Brian. The real Brian.

Violachka

You are heaven sent. And I love you. 

I love that you're so kind. I love how much you're doing for me. I love that you understand. I love that you're trying so hard to make this easier on me and Doug.

I love talking to you. I love how alike we are, even though we both have to speak broken Russian and English in order to talk proficiently. I love how you help Doug and Elder Rallison.

And I love your faces. Even when you have a face on that deserves the phrase "If looks could kill..." :P

Yup, pretty much you're awesome. And I can never thank you enough for all you've done, in just a mere week.

A Picture of Something I Love

This truly is getting repetitive...

All right, all right. Fine. Something other than this boy that I love?

Please continue:

Roses

Traveling, The Gospel, Languages

Tangled :D

Music, particularly cello.

And last, but most certainly not least:

Really big toilets.

:P