So basically, I pretty much fail at this whole blogging thing. I was so into the first... what? 2 months I had it? And then it all fell apart. Honestly, I think it's just because I don't feel like sharing my entire life with the world anymore. I've clammed up, and not just from cyberspace, but with real interaction with people too. But, I need to rant. And so, here goes.
The last few months have been... well. Not too fabulous, let's just put it that way. In fact, I've kind of hated them and haven't felt so scummy my entire life. And for those of you who know anything about me and my past, that takes a lot to do. And for the longest time I haven't known what to do about it. But over the last week, I've been getting "A-ha!" moments and spiritual slaps to the face constantly. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong... Just entirely too difficult for me to swallow. All at once, anyway. So here's how I've been feeling, and how I'm struggling to get past it.
Doug has officially been out for 15 months now (and a few days), and he comes home in 284 days. I should be super excited about that right? I mean, in about a year (or so, we'll see) I'll be married. Married people! I'm super excited about the idea... but I swear. That day seems to be wanting to elude me forever, and is taking a small eternity to get here...
Of course, this is just emphasized by the fact that I also have not talked to him in 15 months either... which is part of my issue here. Let's just say, Christmas sucked. Actually, sucked doesn't even begin to cover it. In short, Doug's siblings kinda suck a lot, and I really want to deck some siblings in the face. Or better, kick a certain one in the family jewels... but I won't get into that here. In short, I practically hate his older brother to the point where I will not speak to him. Petty? Yeah probably. But I'm not going to deal with him harassing me, hurting not only me, but Doug too, ruining my Christmas as well as Doug's, and being a judgmental, prideful, hypocritical pain in my by butt. Frankly, I deal with a lot of crap in my own family and I am most definitely not dealing with it from someone who I'm not even related to yet. So yeah, "big bro" (since he likes to call me lil sis for some odd reason), I do think you're a jerk, and I really don't like you at all. You're the reason I won't get to talk to Doug for 2 years, and I kinda don't like you for it in the least. Thanks for being such a hypocrite though. It's been real.
Another thing with Doug's family; his other brother has hated me for years. YEARS folks. I thought I'd been treated badly by a few other choice people in my life, but this brother has come to a close second if not first in the "let's treat Heather like complete and utter crap" department. No, that is not an award that you want to have under your belt. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it got pretty ugly... To top this off, Christmas was also a joy having him around, as I'm sure you can imagine...
Moving on to other things outside of Doug's family: my grades totally bombed last semester. I even studied this time too (which I've never done before at any time in my life, ever). I had never failed a test in my life, never got lower than a 3.3 GPA, never did so bad on an essay, and never received a C... All of which happened. With my awesome 2.7 GPA, I felt like scum. I mean, honestly, 2.7? It's like I actually worked to get it that low. I've never felt so stupid in my life, honestly.
Well, my best friend got married last Saturday. Should be a joyous occasion right? Yeah, yeah. And don't get me wrong, it was, and I'm happy for them, totally. On the other hand, being Maid of Honor and being with them basically all day kinda sucked because of the jealousy factor. I mean, think of it; they met at the end of April, got engaged in August, married the beginning of January. That's a total of what? Just shy of 9 months right? Yeah, they haven't even known each for how long I still have to wait for Doug to get home. Jealous? Entirely. And this is when the chorus of people say "Life isn't fair," and to that I say, "That doesn't change the fact that it still sucks." Because it does.
I got in my first fight with Doug's mom ever... that sucked a lot. I didn't think it would hurt that bad, but it did. I'm apparently being blamed for "Doug not getting blessings" on his mission, or some such rubbish, because we email. No, the problem is actually that Doug emails me back directly... It's apparently allowed for me to email him directly and not the other way around... Weirdest rule I've ever heard of. And I got ripped apart for it (even though he's the one breaking the rule...?) not only from his mom, but his stupid older brother too (again, the reasons I cannot stand that man...). Basically, that hurt more than I was ever willing to deal with. Yup, been great at the Johnson household for me lately. I'm pretty sure the only person who hasn't taken a stab at me in the last month is Doug's dad... huh.
Over the last little bit, I've found out who my real friends are, and who just use me because they have nowhere else to turn to. It makes me sad to realize that many who I considered to be very dear friends to me really don't care about me. Since the only times they come to me is when they need help and need someone who will be blunt to them and tell them honestly that they're being stupid idiots. And honestly, it hurts a lot...
I've lost pretty much my entire relationship with God and Christ, and it sucks. I feel like I don't even know them anymore, and I don't know what they want, who they want me to be, or what I'm supposed to do with my pathetic life. I feel like they aren't around anymore, like I'm on my own and they are just watching on the sidelines doing nothing. And I'm so not ok with that. Because I want a relationship with them. I want them to be my family, my Father and Brother... but I don't know how to get there...
And lastly I had the most horrible vivid flashbacks a week ago. Every little thing I had ever done wrong kept coming back to mind. Every horrid sin I'd committed, willingly, came back to haunt me. And I can tell you I've had a fair few. I wanted to die. I missed Doug. I missed my childhood. I missed feeling worthy to go the temple. I missed being close to God and my Savior. I missed the feeling of being loved and cared about. I missed having real friends. I missed... basically every good thing in my life. Because it was all pretty much gone. By the end of the night, I realized that I hadn't felt that scummy since 10th grade, when once upon a time (many times) I was going to kill myself. No, no. I didn't really have any suicidal thoughts this time around (gratefully) but I do remember that feeling all too well. And I don't enjoy it at all. And that night I cried and cried, I screamed and shouted, prayed, asked what was wrong, what was I doing, cried more and finally crashed--alone, forgotten, forsaken and answer-less.
But now, I've gotten some answers. For all these problems.
We'll work backwards this time. I thought about my sins and past transgressions for much of the next day, after having already thought about them much into the night. And I realized that a lot of my problems sprang from my time as a child. I remember certain things I did, vivid memories, which started a lot of my problems as a teenager and even now still. I realized that the only way to get past this problem of feeling worthless was to delve into the root of the problem which began back when I was 6 or 7 years old. And what I needed to remember was that that was before I was baptized. All the things I did wrong then have been cleared and I was made whole again at 8 years old. And since then, I've gone back time and again when I've needed to to talk to my bishop and do what was required of me to become clean again. And you know what? I am worthy to go to the temple. And that's what matters now. Not all those problems of the past. That night was a lapse of jealousy, where I just let everything fall apart. I may not be ready to go through to get my endowments, but that's another answer...
I need to pray more. I mean, it's a simple answer, really, but it's the truth. I want a relationship with God? Then I have to make it happen. I have to talk to him; no, not just talk to Him. I have to listen to him. Which is the hardest part, really. I need to actually put forth the effort, not just claim to have the desire. I need to show that it is real, not something in my head. And in time, I'll have that relationship back with my Father that I've been craving for so long now...
I'm kinda grateful I've found who my true friends are though. Deleting certain "facebook friends" has been rather relieving. And not always trying to make an effort to hang out with other friends to hang out like I had been for months if not years (I've stopped that effort for the last couple months, and it's interesting how suddenly, I haven't seen them in that long... Hmm...) really does take a load off my mind. Makes it easier for everyone. I mean, if you don't want to hang out with me, that's all fine and dandy. But just, don't pretend like we're friends, when you don't really care. That's all I ask. Just be real.
As for the fight with Doug's mom. Well, I've just sucked that one up. I know she loves her son; obviously, that's why she said anything in the first place. And I know she loves me too-made that clear as she guilted me. But I still struggle with the fact that she says she knows it's hard having Doug gone... when she doesn't really. Because having a son gone is nothing close to the same. But I missed her too much, and after having not seen her for 2 weeks... I thought it was a good idea to suck it up and at least visit her. And now, things are ok.
Oh jealousy. Well, look. I have roughly a year to get married. That's not going to change too fast, so in the meantime, I may as well be happy for those who get that luxury, and make sure they understand what kind of luxury it really is... I'm still a little jealous though ;)
Grades... well. I don't know what to do about that. Pray I'll do better? That's about all I can do at this point, especially since I'm taking 17 credits this semester...
The youngest brother... This has been one of the hardest things for me to swallow. He's changed a lot over the last few months... And apparently has gotten to the point where he wants to speak with me, because he doesn't feel the same way as he did about me before. I found that out about a week and a half ago, and I've been terrified ever since. And have made an effort not to see him. But, I've somehow managed to swallow my pride and accept the fact that I do need to talk to him. I always give others a second chance, so why not him too?
And here's the hardest one for me... Doug's older brother. This is the one that finally slapped me in the face tonight while I was at work, and which is what started this whole post. I've tried speaking to him a couple times since Christmas, but it never turns out ok. And now, I just ignore him altogether. But I can't do that anymore. I got sick of his prideful, hypocritical and judgmental remarks and attitude, but I realized I am doing the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I still believe I deserve a whole hearted apology, but honestly, I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen. And I can't afford to be mad at him forever. It's going to take a lot of time, I know that. He's hurt me more than I can put into words, and that is going to be a long while before it heals. But, I need to suck up my own pride. I need to accept the fact that, yup, he's a jerk. Yup, he hurt me and Doug and ruined Christmas for both of us. Yeah, I am jealous of the fact he's engaged and getting married in March (side note: he's only known her for 6 months... yeah, jealous much, again? :P). And yes I do hate the fact he thinks he's awesome and knows everything, when he most definitely does not. But honestly, I have felt like crap for 3 weeks now because of this. I never feel at peace anymore, I don't have the spirit with me, I'm not anything close to happy unless I'm talking to Doug (which no longer gets to happen...), and I honestly hate my life right now. And I'm sick of it. So I'm changing it. And I've resolved to talk to him and just... work it out. Because who wants to be sad for eternity? Definitely not me.
So the point is, eventually, God will answer you. Chances are, you probably aren't going to like what He has to say, and you won't want to follow it or even agree with it. But it's for the best. Even if it is hard to swallow.
No comments:
Post a Comment