Habits

People say that in order to make or break a habit, you have to go 21 days doing either or, and then it'll be made or broken.

But what if you can't even go 7 days? How do you make or break it then? Where do you people get the motivation? The reason? The determination?

Is this really just me that can't seem to stick to this stuff?

Stupid.

It All Rolls into One

Choices are funny things. Lately I've been noticing just how much even the little choices make a difference and effect our lives.

Take sin for instance. The choice to sin effects us so much, and sometimes we don't even realize it at the time, and we don't realize what it has changed with us until much later. Even just noticing the next day how much worse you feel and the guilt and the weight on your shoulders you put on yourself and the sadness that comes along with it... It all just adds on top of itself. And it never ends, if you continue. It's like that lie that you thought was just a little lie and didn't mean anything at the time, but then it just eats at you. And keeps eating and eating until there's nothing left...

I don't know. I've just had too much time to think lately. And I'm feeling less than awesome. And it just seems like being human is always going to get the best of me... because I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm feeling pretty low right now, and I can't seem to shake it. Because I can't seem to get myself out of the rut I've managed to get myself into.

I know everyone has problems. I know everyone has bad days. But this is so much more than that. And, even though I know others have very similar problems... I still feel scummy. I know I shouldn't, everyone tells me I shouldn't because... well there are a lot of reasons. But I still do.

I wish I could just get in control of my life. I wish I could master myself.

OHMIGOSH.

I'm going crazy. Absolutely crazy.

I hate you, USPS.

I've been waiting for almost 2 weeks for these 4 letters. And now you don't even have the courtesy to come on time.

I hope your Mail Man get-up catches fire.

From Love to Bitterness

*Warning: this is a rant post. You may not like it. Read at your own... risk? I don't know. But don't you dare judge me by it; I'm human too.*

So I want to tell you all a story. It goes like this:

"Once upon a time, a few years ago, there were 2 great friends, friends that I would be so bold to call them best friends, at least for a time. Their names were Heather and Brian. 

They got along perfectly well; no drama about either one liking the other, music was a huge factor in their friendship, and they absolutely loved playing video games. They hung out pretty much all the time; went to concerts, did radio shows, ate gassed Oreo's, played Rock Band and sat on the roof talking for hours. He let her cry on his shoulder and protected her, she let him cry and be a real person. They told each other things they rarely told other people. Fears, dreams, pasts, hopes. They talked about their futures and how they'd always be friends, no matter what. She was going to write him on his mission and she would be married to another of his best friends by the time he got home, Doug. When they grew up, their kids would have play dates and their friendship would never die. Heather, Doug and Brian were a trio in high school and everyone knew it. And never once did she think that things were ever going to change between them.

But now, the friendship that meant so much to her is pretty much gone and has dissolved almost entirely..."

A couple years ago, shortly after all the good times we had, Brian started doing things that... well, weren't exactly things he should be doing. It started out small; cheating on girlfriends for instance. But that small things began to grow, and has continued to grow, for the past 2 1/2 years...

At one point, I honestly did call Brian my best friend. He meant that world to me and I wanted all the happiness for him. But just 2 short years has changed him dramatically...

He used to be a faithful LDS member. Someone who stood by what he believed and always made sure others knew that not only he loved them, but Heavenly Father did too. He was so in tune with the spirit. He always was able to help me and was there for me when no one else was. Now he says he's an extremely open minded zen buddhist... Whatever that's supposed to be exactly. 

I don't want this to turn into some bashing post about someone and how much of a horrible person he is. Because honestly, he's not a horrible person at all. Yeah, he's made a lot of decisions I wish he hadn't, and has turned his back on God, Christ, basically all his old friends and his family... but he's still a good guy. It's not that I have anything against people in other religions. I don't. Honestly, ask anyone and I'm one of the most open minded people and empathetic individuals you'll ever meet. It's really rare for me to be super judgmental and honestly hate you or dislike you because you smoke, do drugs, have sex, swear or whatever. I don't agree with those things, but it's your life to live. I accept that. 

I don't know. I guess I just... don't know. I talked to him for like 45 minutes tonight, and I haven't talked to him in, oh 4 months now and... man. He just keeps changing. He's not even close to the guy I knew in high school... I'm only 20. This is messed up! I just... blah. It makes me sad that the one person that I was once soooo sad would miss my wedding because he'd be on a mission... I now don't even want him there. Not because I'm embarrassed by him or don't care about him... but because I don't know him anymore. I've become so bitter because of him. Not because of him... but I've allowed myself to become bitter because he chose to do things differently than he'd promised me so long ago. Because he has agency, just like we all do. I'm bitter because he's gone through hell and back over the last couple years and he can't really figure out why what has happened to him happened to him. Even though it's because he made the choices that have led him there. 

I loved him. Correction, I love him. Truly, I do. I will always care for him; he was my best friend during one of the most important times of my life. I owe him a ridiculous amount of... everything there is. But everything about him makes me sad now. I don't want to let him go. I still have hope that one day he'll be knocked back to his senses and realize all the stupid things he's done and why he's had to go through all the pain and hurt he has. I keep hoping that one day he'll actually admit "Wow, I was stupid." And ask for forgiveness. But honestly, I don't see that day happening, not any time soon anyway... And I can't keep waiting around for it.

Because of how much he's hurt me, I can't even really talk to guys much anymore. Because I'm scared I'll become close to them and be good friends and then he'll turn his back on me, just like Brian did. That he'll backstab me and talk behind my back... not to mention leave me in the dirt, not caring anymore. I mean, I may not have ever been romantically involved with Brian, but as a friend he hurt me more than just about any other friend ever has, times 100,000,000,000, +1. And I miss having guy friends. I miss not having to deal with crappy drama with girls. And I'm bitter about that too.

How does so much love turn to such bitterness?

Man. I miss you Brian. The real Brian.

Missing You.

Hi, my name is Heather.

And I am seriously missing Doug right now.

Not for any reason really, except I want to be held.

I want a hug. A real hug.

None of those wimpy side-hug things.

Is that really too much to ask?

Goals

I have come to the conclusion that I really suck at following through with goals that I make. Honestly, I've been doing next to none of them. And by "next to" I mean absolutely none of them. Maybe that's because they're a little too big?

Hmm, nah. That's not it. If I'm being honest, I straight up just don't even start them. I really need to fix this, especially if I expect to have a rough draft done for when Doug comes home.

Sigh. If only I knew of some way to actually correct this... How do you make yourself get some motivation? Because clearly, that's what I need.

Renewed Love

I love you so much Doug. Thanks for everything. You are, in fact, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks for being my best friend, for being patient with me and always loving me anyway...

I love you ♥

10 Years in the Making

He's finally gone. Osama bin Laden has been killed by U.S. operatives with Pakistani help in Pakistan.

This was announced tonight all over the country, with President Obama addressing the nation. One small step to bringing eventual peace into the world. And this deserves such celebrations as are taking place all over the nations capital, New York City and, in particularly, Ground Zero. This is something worthy of celebrating. Bringing peace to our fallen world. We do, however, have a long way to go...

I want you all to know something though; I don't celebrate the death of a man. No, I am not happy that this man has died. I do not celebrate the passing of someone, no matter how vile and disgusting that someone may have been. I do however, celebrate the beginning of the death of what this man stood for. I celebrate the death of his lack of moral values, his unethical ways and his disgusting and twisted thinking. I celebrate the lives that may now live because his ideas have been killed with him. I celebrate the men and women who died in the attacks on 9/11. I celebrate the courage of those in Pennsylvania and flight 93 who chose to crash the plane instead of let it hit its target. I celebrate the men and women in our great nations armed forces, those who are enlisted now, have been enlisted and who have died in the service of our country.

 My Country. 

This We'll Defend.

Semper Fidelis. Always Faithful.

Semper Paratus. Always Ready.

Non Sibi Sed Patriae. Not Self but Country

Aim High-Fly, Fight, Win.

I celebrate the United States of America.

In GOD we trust.