From Love to Bitterness

*Warning: this is a rant post. You may not like it. Read at your own... risk? I don't know. But don't you dare judge me by it; I'm human too.*

So I want to tell you all a story. It goes like this:

"Once upon a time, a few years ago, there were 2 great friends, friends that I would be so bold to call them best friends, at least for a time. Their names were Heather and Brian. 

They got along perfectly well; no drama about either one liking the other, music was a huge factor in their friendship, and they absolutely loved playing video games. They hung out pretty much all the time; went to concerts, did radio shows, ate gassed Oreo's, played Rock Band and sat on the roof talking for hours. He let her cry on his shoulder and protected her, she let him cry and be a real person. They told each other things they rarely told other people. Fears, dreams, pasts, hopes. They talked about their futures and how they'd always be friends, no matter what. She was going to write him on his mission and she would be married to another of his best friends by the time he got home, Doug. When they grew up, their kids would have play dates and their friendship would never die. Heather, Doug and Brian were a trio in high school and everyone knew it. And never once did she think that things were ever going to change between them.

But now, the friendship that meant so much to her is pretty much gone and has dissolved almost entirely..."

A couple years ago, shortly after all the good times we had, Brian started doing things that... well, weren't exactly things he should be doing. It started out small; cheating on girlfriends for instance. But that small things began to grow, and has continued to grow, for the past 2 1/2 years...

At one point, I honestly did call Brian my best friend. He meant that world to me and I wanted all the happiness for him. But just 2 short years has changed him dramatically...

He used to be a faithful LDS member. Someone who stood by what he believed and always made sure others knew that not only he loved them, but Heavenly Father did too. He was so in tune with the spirit. He always was able to help me and was there for me when no one else was. Now he says he's an extremely open minded zen buddhist... Whatever that's supposed to be exactly. 

I don't want this to turn into some bashing post about someone and how much of a horrible person he is. Because honestly, he's not a horrible person at all. Yeah, he's made a lot of decisions I wish he hadn't, and has turned his back on God, Christ, basically all his old friends and his family... but he's still a good guy. It's not that I have anything against people in other religions. I don't. Honestly, ask anyone and I'm one of the most open minded people and empathetic individuals you'll ever meet. It's really rare for me to be super judgmental and honestly hate you or dislike you because you smoke, do drugs, have sex, swear or whatever. I don't agree with those things, but it's your life to live. I accept that. 

I don't know. I guess I just... don't know. I talked to him for like 45 minutes tonight, and I haven't talked to him in, oh 4 months now and... man. He just keeps changing. He's not even close to the guy I knew in high school... I'm only 20. This is messed up! I just... blah. It makes me sad that the one person that I was once soooo sad would miss my wedding because he'd be on a mission... I now don't even want him there. Not because I'm embarrassed by him or don't care about him... but because I don't know him anymore. I've become so bitter because of him. Not because of him... but I've allowed myself to become bitter because he chose to do things differently than he'd promised me so long ago. Because he has agency, just like we all do. I'm bitter because he's gone through hell and back over the last couple years and he can't really figure out why what has happened to him happened to him. Even though it's because he made the choices that have led him there. 

I loved him. Correction, I love him. Truly, I do. I will always care for him; he was my best friend during one of the most important times of my life. I owe him a ridiculous amount of... everything there is. But everything about him makes me sad now. I don't want to let him go. I still have hope that one day he'll be knocked back to his senses and realize all the stupid things he's done and why he's had to go through all the pain and hurt he has. I keep hoping that one day he'll actually admit "Wow, I was stupid." And ask for forgiveness. But honestly, I don't see that day happening, not any time soon anyway... And I can't keep waiting around for it.

Because of how much he's hurt me, I can't even really talk to guys much anymore. Because I'm scared I'll become close to them and be good friends and then he'll turn his back on me, just like Brian did. That he'll backstab me and talk behind my back... not to mention leave me in the dirt, not caring anymore. I mean, I may not have ever been romantically involved with Brian, but as a friend he hurt me more than just about any other friend ever has, times 100,000,000,000, +1. And I miss having guy friends. I miss not having to deal with crappy drama with girls. And I'm bitter about that too.

How does so much love turn to such bitterness?

Man. I miss you Brian. The real Brian.