Ponder, Wonder, and Wait

So I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Still. Here I was all stoked because I thought I'd figured it out... but I'm not so sure. :/

I just finished applying for the photography major at BYU. Which, honestly, I do believe is what I'm supposed to do. It's what I want, and when I look at the classes that I would have to take, I get excited for it. Photography excites me. Sure, Psychology was intriguing and interesting enough, but it's just not the same thrill I get at the thought of photography. But the problem is the fact I don't actually know if that's what I'm supposed to do.

My PB says something about how I would have guidance in my higher education and I would know that I was being guided by the spirit as to what I should pursue. I'm still waiting for that to happen.

So now I sit here and wait. And ponder and wonder and wait some more, hoping this really is what I'm supposed to do. I guess I shouldn't be concerned; if I'm supposed to get in, I will. But I'm kind of lost if I don't. I feel like this nut, left out in the street, on the cold, hard, wet ground, all lone. Waiting.

Oh life, what to do with you?

Everything is About ME

I hate people like this. 

Seriously.

People sit there and complain about how everyone is against them and they're sick of it. "None of my friends are happy for me. Everyone is against us being together and aren't happy for us, they just can't believe we did that. I don't understand it." That's one story I've had the misfortune of hearing. People aren't happy for you two because you made out and got together with the guy your best friend was with 2 weeks earlier and they only broke things off so that you wouldn't feel like a third wheel. Way to be the best friend of 10 years. Way to be.

How Time Changes

So, it's been over a year now since I've seen Elder Douglas Wade Johnson. I seriously cannot believe it has been that long. But I couldn't be more glad about it, honestly. I have less than a year until I get to see that boys face, and I don't think it's possible for me to be more thrilled at the thought. But as I look back at what pictures I have of us together, I can't help but notice all the changes in us both.

Roughly 2 weeks before he left for the MTC. I think we took about 50 pictures together that day.

This is Doug with his companion Elder Young as of Friday. He seems to have changed quite a bit, honestly. But maybe it's just me that notices those "subtle" differences ;)

And then there's me.

I think I look quite a bit better :P

Anyway, the point is, time is going by so fast and yet slow all at the same time. And it is changing so freaking much! I have changed so freaking much. I just hope that Doug likes the changes he sees when he comes home, because I'm trying to be my best... for him. I mean, for me too, and God, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly for him. :) Я люблю тебя Старейшина Джонсон :))))

Let the Scrutiny Begin

My life has been ridiculous lately. I want to know why.

Over the past few months I have:

been in court ready to testify.

had someone threaten to call the cops on me.

got another niece and nephew.

failed my first test.

actually, failed all but 2 (out of like 10) tests.

got a second job.

openly told a crowd I really do love my brother.

actually made it to the temple (finally!).

had my car break down on me in the middle of State Street.

met a sociopath.

considered going to a psychologist,

and immediately shot that idea down.

cried more than I have in years.

spilled my guts to a random person.

bought a ridiculous amount of shoes, specifically heels.

found the song that sums up the most important experience of my life.

been asked to be a Maid of Honor.

got my first ticket.

self diagnosed myself, since that's what all pre-med and psych students do

(in case you're wondering, I figure I'm bi-polar, depressed, or have SAD)

reconnected with old friends.

had ridiculous family drama.

had ridiculous friend drama.

seen my childhood best friend get married.

seen one of my high school best friends get married.

tried to be there for an old friend.

made a few new friends.

changed my major. Twice.

prayed for weeks (months really) and still feel ignored.

hit my one year mark. :)

fallen more and more in love with Douglas :D

Now, considering the fact I am trying to be vague, I want you to answer me this... what the heck? Is my family the only one not perfect? Nah, of course not. But freak, it sure seems like it sometimes. It's like the more involved I try to be with them, the less I want to be, but the more I have to be because it's my family and I care about them even if sometimes I wish I didn't. It's pretty ridiculous, honestly. Am I being punished for some sin I did years ago that I don't even remember? Is that why I'm failing so epically in my classes this semester, and why I got my first ticket? Really, cyberspace, I want some answers, if you please.

Only a few of these things from that list actually are concerning me right now. They're pretty much the only ones that I ever have. My whole disorder thing, for one. I'll open up that can of worms in a minute, after a word from Doug, who talks about number two, which really is a conglomerate of a lot of them:

I asked Doug the same question. What the heck am I supposed to do? That whole feeling ignored thing while praying thing is less than awesome, honestly. I'm supposed to be able to get some guidance about this whole "school" thing, but I'm coming up with nothing. It's getting rather annoying, to be frank. Because I am freaking out. And it's kind of a big decision to make. Doug's advice? Well, he read a talk by Elder Scott called Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer from 2007 a couple days ago and so Doug told me this: "He talked about how we get answers to our prayers and how sometimes we don't feel anything at all. He said that we should be grateful for these times because it means God trusts us and wants us to make the decision. He also said that we don't have to worry because God won't let us go too far without warning us if we made the wrong decision." And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "I don't even trust myself. Why in the heck is God trusting me?" I still haven't come up with an answer to that question, so if you do, let me know.

The next thing I want to share that Doug said to me recently is this: "I'm glad that you're learning more about yourself. It sounds like you're digging deep to find the base of the iceberg like preach my gospel tells us to do with our investigators. And once you start taking down the base then you're actually solving the problem and not just hacking away at stray branches." Keeping this in mind, let's go back.

So, to number one and opening up cans of worms. Since a few days before Doug said the previous statement to me above, I have been trying to figure out what makes me... me. Honestly. What the heck has made me be who I am today. Why do I act the way I do? Why to I pretend to have such a hard shell around everyone just to totally break down when I'm alone? Why do I bottle things up instead of let them free? This list of questions could go on forever. And I'm only just now getting to anything relatively close to the base of that iceberg under the water, which isn't even all that close to be honest. But since I've been finding these things (which has been painful as hell really) and truly trying to find the root of all these problems, things have began to make more sense. I'm amazed at how digging out the root actually makes everything make sense as opposed to just hacking away at those stray branches.

Man, see, this is why I love Doug. I would go into more detail about all of this, but this is pretty public, and I don't need the whole world knowing my story in quite as much detail as I am always inclined to give when my voice runs away with my mind :)

Jibber Jabber

So there are a million things I've wanted to say for a while about all sorts of things and have never gotten around to it; I finally am. Mainly because I'm bored, also because I'm trying to sort all of this stuff out for myself.
1. To all the parents out there; support your children. I know, you'd think that would be a no brainer, but I've heard of so many experiences not to mention my personal experiences where parents have a hard time doing just that. Instead, they feel they know everything and know what their child needs to do to be happy. I'm sorry parents, but newsflash, you do not know everything. I'm not saying we as children do, but chances are we have a better idea of what is wrong than you do, because we are living our lives, not you. If we feel like we want to try out for something and you don't think we'll make it, encourage us anyway! Telling us we have next to no chance doesn't make us want to come to you next time.
2. "My room and car aren't always clean. I don't typically put a great amount of effort into 'getting ready' (hair, make up, etc.) I just figure that the people who love me will love me either way. Maybe I'm not trying to be beautiful, understood or liked at the moment. So what? If you don't love me just because my face isn't shining like yours, that's probably more your problem than mine."I have never been so willing to quote a friend before. Honestly, if you're going to love me, you'll do it regardless of how I look, or what I do. I'm still not quite sure why people get so offended if I don't do every little thing they suggest to me, but seriously people. Take me for who I am or leave me be.
3. Being with friends and family and enjoying the company of others is a good thing, definitely something we should all do frequently. However, having time alone is also very important. Taking a step back to see yourself as you really are is something that needs to happen relatively often. The more time I do this, the more I see of myself, and more accurately interpret whatever in the world I'm doing with my life and why I've done what I have done with myself in the past. Which leads me to my next thought.
4. People will do some crazy things for attention. Myself, for example. I wanted attention so badly as a young teenager that I now have caused myself to have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), meaning every fall and winter, I have a type of depression. I haven't been "diagnosed" by some doctor or psychologist, but the symptoms are clearly there, have been for years, and I'm not just now self-diagnosing myself since I'm a first year Psychology Major (although, I just changed my major...). The point is, everyone needs attention. We all need a friend, someone who will be there for us. And if that need and feeling of a deep connection isn't met, we will do some crazy stuff to try finding it in less suitable and more outlandish ways. So if you see a friend doing stupid things that they wouldn't normally do, chances are, they need a friend. Be that friend.
5. Like the age old adage; Cheaters never prosper. This became rather evident recently when a good friend of mine was cheated on. Their lives are now a living hell, and I couldn't feel more sorry for him. If I ever find out that one of my friends are cheating on someone, I will probably come hunt you down. Honestly, it's straight up rude, inconsiderate and a whole slew of other words. Please, save us all the aggravation and don't make me pull out my Katniss boots.
I guess those are my random jabberings. I'm sure I'll have more tomorrow, but for now, I need sleep. It's almost 2 am, after all.

Lonely.

I really don't understand it. One day, I'm perfectly happy and all seems to be going fantastically. I miss Doug, but I'm fine without him. Like on Monday; I was sure nothing was going to get me down because I got to email him for a little bit which made my week. Actually, probably more like my month. But no, just two days later, I feel all alone. I've been with people in class, texted others throughout the day and hung out with people today. It's like that Jack's Mannequin song Dark Blue, "Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?" My current answer is a resounding "Yes." And I don't know how to change that. On Sunday, Doug's brother jokingly said something about me just being lonely. But, in all honesty, I really am. Even in these crowded rooms.I don't much like feeling lonely.