Let the Scrutiny Begin

My life has been ridiculous lately. I want to know why.

Over the past few months I have:

been in court ready to testify.

had someone threaten to call the cops on me.

got another niece and nephew.

failed my first test.

actually, failed all but 2 (out of like 10) tests.

got a second job.

openly told a crowd I really do love my brother.

actually made it to the temple (finally!).

had my car break down on me in the middle of State Street.

met a sociopath.

considered going to a psychologist,

and immediately shot that idea down.

cried more than I have in years.

spilled my guts to a random person.

bought a ridiculous amount of shoes, specifically heels.

found the song that sums up the most important experience of my life.

been asked to be a Maid of Honor.

got my first ticket.

self diagnosed myself, since that's what all pre-med and psych students do

(in case you're wondering, I figure I'm bi-polar, depressed, or have SAD)

reconnected with old friends.

had ridiculous family drama.

had ridiculous friend drama.

seen my childhood best friend get married.

seen one of my high school best friends get married.

tried to be there for an old friend.

made a few new friends.

changed my major. Twice.

prayed for weeks (months really) and still feel ignored.

hit my one year mark. :)

fallen more and more in love with Douglas :D

Now, considering the fact I am trying to be vague, I want you to answer me this... what the heck? Is my family the only one not perfect? Nah, of course not. But freak, it sure seems like it sometimes. It's like the more involved I try to be with them, the less I want to be, but the more I have to be because it's my family and I care about them even if sometimes I wish I didn't. It's pretty ridiculous, honestly. Am I being punished for some sin I did years ago that I don't even remember? Is that why I'm failing so epically in my classes this semester, and why I got my first ticket? Really, cyberspace, I want some answers, if you please.

Only a few of these things from that list actually are concerning me right now. They're pretty much the only ones that I ever have. My whole disorder thing, for one. I'll open up that can of worms in a minute, after a word from Doug, who talks about number two, which really is a conglomerate of a lot of them:

I asked Doug the same question. What the heck am I supposed to do? That whole feeling ignored thing while praying thing is less than awesome, honestly. I'm supposed to be able to get some guidance about this whole "school" thing, but I'm coming up with nothing. It's getting rather annoying, to be frank. Because I am freaking out. And it's kind of a big decision to make. Doug's advice? Well, he read a talk by Elder Scott called Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer from 2007 a couple days ago and so Doug told me this: "He talked about how we get answers to our prayers and how sometimes we don't feel anything at all. He said that we should be grateful for these times because it means God trusts us and wants us to make the decision. He also said that we don't have to worry because God won't let us go too far without warning us if we made the wrong decision." And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "I don't even trust myself. Why in the heck is God trusting me?" I still haven't come up with an answer to that question, so if you do, let me know.

The next thing I want to share that Doug said to me recently is this: "I'm glad that you're learning more about yourself. It sounds like you're digging deep to find the base of the iceberg like preach my gospel tells us to do with our investigators. And once you start taking down the base then you're actually solving the problem and not just hacking away at stray branches." Keeping this in mind, let's go back.

So, to number one and opening up cans of worms. Since a few days before Doug said the previous statement to me above, I have been trying to figure out what makes me... me. Honestly. What the heck has made me be who I am today. Why do I act the way I do? Why to I pretend to have such a hard shell around everyone just to totally break down when I'm alone? Why do I bottle things up instead of let them free? This list of questions could go on forever. And I'm only just now getting to anything relatively close to the base of that iceberg under the water, which isn't even all that close to be honest. But since I've been finding these things (which has been painful as hell really) and truly trying to find the root of all these problems, things have began to make more sense. I'm amazed at how digging out the root actually makes everything make sense as opposed to just hacking away at those stray branches.

Man, see, this is why I love Doug. I would go into more detail about all of this, but this is pretty public, and I don't need the whole world knowing my story in quite as much detail as I am always inclined to give when my voice runs away with my mind :)