Jealousy

It really is seeping in now. I thought I was jealous 4 months ago when they got engaged? Ha. That was so tame compared to this.

Doug's brother gets married... well, technically tomorrow (Saturday). And I really am happy for him; honestly. I love his fiancée to death and we seem to get along quite nicely. It's not that I have anything against the boy who said he wasn't getting married until he was 25 and then was engaged at 22--at least, not really. Like I said, I am happy for him. Truly.  I know what it's like to find that person you want to spend the rest of your life and all eternity with and how amazing and glorious and wonderful everything about that person is and the way they make you feel. I really am glad they found each other. I just happen to be slightly annoyed and frustrated, too, is all...

I mean seriously? He's known the girl for what? 8 months, give or take a week or so. Has only been dating her for 6. Engaged after 2...

Really?

In what world is this fair? I have to wait as many years as months they dated before they got engaged until I can even get engaged. And I've dated Doug for over a year; and we're not even "technically" engaged yet! I still have to wait as many months as they have known each other even existed before I can see Doug again, let alone let anything else happen! I ask again: In what world is this fair?

Yeah., yeah. I know. Get over myself. Life isn't fair. But frankly, for once in my life I wish it was. Jealousy seems to do some crazy things to me, and makes me miss Doug all the more. Especially with a situation that's, literally, so close to home.

I really am trying to be a good sport about all of this. I'm trying to not let it bother me that the woman I've considered to be my mother-in-law for years now, even if it's not official, is now getting another daughter. A real one, not just the fake that only wishes she were a part of that family. I am trying to take comfort in the fact that Doug's sisters seem to like me a lot more than her, but chances are that with my luck, that's only because I've known them for 3 years and they finally stopped hating me once Doug left and I was still around and may or may not have bribed them with Oreos. This new sister could do the same; it's not that hard. And it's probably not because they like me. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I feel like I'm being replaced. It's not like I was actually a Johnson, right? You can't replace what was never there to begin with I suppose. I'm trying not to be annoyed that all I hear about and have heard about for the last 8 months is Brandon this and Joe that, engagement ring here, engagement pictures, bridal shower I'm not invited to, wedding plans here, everyone else there... Everyone that is, except for Doug.

I really am trying not to be extremely frustrated at the fact that no one talks about Doug or how he's doing or what's going on with him. But I'm tired of being the only one he tells his problems to,  not because I mind being there for him (not in the least). But because no one else even cares to listen. Because everything is supposed to be just honky dory for him. And everyone has too much else on their minds to be concerned and worried about him. "He's on a mission" I overheard one family member say. "He's the one I don't have to be worrying about. I feel bad, but there's so much I have to take care of, I figure he's in the Lord's hands anyway." While that may be true, you're the last person that shouldn't be worried about him... and that irks me to no end. The fact that no one shuts up about Brandon and Saren, but everyone is totally shut up about Doug. It honestly feels like he doesn't exist to them anymore, and honestly, that hurts. A lot more than I like to admit. And it just eggs that jealousy on more... as if it wasn't running high enough as it is...

I really am trying here. I know it may not seem like it, but I've been holding all this in for months now, and few people know... Why else would I be driveling to cyberspace about my problems? Oh yes. Because I don't want certain people to catch wind of this jealousy I'm trying so desperately to hide. And whomever manages to read this all the way through, well I honestly don't mind.

Ugh. I hate jealousy.

Doug, can you come home now please? I miss you.