Let the Scrutiny Begin

My life has been ridiculous lately. I want to know why.

Over the past few months I have:

been in court ready to testify.

had someone threaten to call the cops on me.

got another niece and nephew.

failed my first test.

actually, failed all but 2 (out of like 10) tests.

got a second job.

openly told a crowd I really do love my brother.

actually made it to the temple (finally!).

had my car break down on me in the middle of State Street.

met a sociopath.

considered going to a psychologist,

and immediately shot that idea down.

cried more than I have in years.

spilled my guts to a random person.

bought a ridiculous amount of shoes, specifically heels.

found the song that sums up the most important experience of my life.

been asked to be a Maid of Honor.

got my first ticket.

self diagnosed myself, since that's what all pre-med and psych students do

(in case you're wondering, I figure I'm bi-polar, depressed, or have SAD)

reconnected with old friends.

had ridiculous family drama.

had ridiculous friend drama.

seen my childhood best friend get married.

seen one of my high school best friends get married.

tried to be there for an old friend.

made a few new friends.

changed my major. Twice.

prayed for weeks (months really) and still feel ignored.

hit my one year mark. :)

fallen more and more in love with Douglas :D

Now, considering the fact I am trying to be vague, I want you to answer me this... what the heck? Is my family the only one not perfect? Nah, of course not. But freak, it sure seems like it sometimes. It's like the more involved I try to be with them, the less I want to be, but the more I have to be because it's my family and I care about them even if sometimes I wish I didn't. It's pretty ridiculous, honestly. Am I being punished for some sin I did years ago that I don't even remember? Is that why I'm failing so epically in my classes this semester, and why I got my first ticket? Really, cyberspace, I want some answers, if you please.

Only a few of these things from that list actually are concerning me right now. They're pretty much the only ones that I ever have. My whole disorder thing, for one. I'll open up that can of worms in a minute, after a word from Doug, who talks about number two, which really is a conglomerate of a lot of them:

I asked Doug the same question. What the heck am I supposed to do? That whole feeling ignored thing while praying thing is less than awesome, honestly. I'm supposed to be able to get some guidance about this whole "school" thing, but I'm coming up with nothing. It's getting rather annoying, to be frank. Because I am freaking out. And it's kind of a big decision to make. Doug's advice? Well, he read a talk by Elder Scott called Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer from 2007 a couple days ago and so Doug told me this: "He talked about how we get answers to our prayers and how sometimes we don't feel anything at all. He said that we should be grateful for these times because it means God trusts us and wants us to make the decision. He also said that we don't have to worry because God won't let us go too far without warning us if we made the wrong decision." And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "I don't even trust myself. Why in the heck is God trusting me?" I still haven't come up with an answer to that question, so if you do, let me know.

The next thing I want to share that Doug said to me recently is this: "I'm glad that you're learning more about yourself. It sounds like you're digging deep to find the base of the iceberg like preach my gospel tells us to do with our investigators. And once you start taking down the base then you're actually solving the problem and not just hacking away at stray branches." Keeping this in mind, let's go back.

So, to number one and opening up cans of worms. Since a few days before Doug said the previous statement to me above, I have been trying to figure out what makes me... me. Honestly. What the heck has made me be who I am today. Why do I act the way I do? Why to I pretend to have such a hard shell around everyone just to totally break down when I'm alone? Why do I bottle things up instead of let them free? This list of questions could go on forever. And I'm only just now getting to anything relatively close to the base of that iceberg under the water, which isn't even all that close to be honest. But since I've been finding these things (which has been painful as hell really) and truly trying to find the root of all these problems, things have began to make more sense. I'm amazed at how digging out the root actually makes everything make sense as opposed to just hacking away at those stray branches.

Man, see, this is why I love Doug. I would go into more detail about all of this, but this is pretty public, and I don't need the whole world knowing my story in quite as much detail as I am always inclined to give when my voice runs away with my mind :)

Jibber Jabber

So there are a million things I've wanted to say for a while about all sorts of things and have never gotten around to it; I finally am. Mainly because I'm bored, also because I'm trying to sort all of this stuff out for myself.
1. To all the parents out there; support your children. I know, you'd think that would be a no brainer, but I've heard of so many experiences not to mention my personal experiences where parents have a hard time doing just that. Instead, they feel they know everything and know what their child needs to do to be happy. I'm sorry parents, but newsflash, you do not know everything. I'm not saying we as children do, but chances are we have a better idea of what is wrong than you do, because we are living our lives, not you. If we feel like we want to try out for something and you don't think we'll make it, encourage us anyway! Telling us we have next to no chance doesn't make us want to come to you next time.
2. "My room and car aren't always clean. I don't typically put a great amount of effort into 'getting ready' (hair, make up, etc.) I just figure that the people who love me will love me either way. Maybe I'm not trying to be beautiful, understood or liked at the moment. So what? If you don't love me just because my face isn't shining like yours, that's probably more your problem than mine."I have never been so willing to quote a friend before. Honestly, if you're going to love me, you'll do it regardless of how I look, or what I do. I'm still not quite sure why people get so offended if I don't do every little thing they suggest to me, but seriously people. Take me for who I am or leave me be.
3. Being with friends and family and enjoying the company of others is a good thing, definitely something we should all do frequently. However, having time alone is also very important. Taking a step back to see yourself as you really are is something that needs to happen relatively often. The more time I do this, the more I see of myself, and more accurately interpret whatever in the world I'm doing with my life and why I've done what I have done with myself in the past. Which leads me to my next thought.
4. People will do some crazy things for attention. Myself, for example. I wanted attention so badly as a young teenager that I now have caused myself to have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), meaning every fall and winter, I have a type of depression. I haven't been "diagnosed" by some doctor or psychologist, but the symptoms are clearly there, have been for years, and I'm not just now self-diagnosing myself since I'm a first year Psychology Major (although, I just changed my major...). The point is, everyone needs attention. We all need a friend, someone who will be there for us. And if that need and feeling of a deep connection isn't met, we will do some crazy stuff to try finding it in less suitable and more outlandish ways. So if you see a friend doing stupid things that they wouldn't normally do, chances are, they need a friend. Be that friend.
5. Like the age old adage; Cheaters never prosper. This became rather evident recently when a good friend of mine was cheated on. Their lives are now a living hell, and I couldn't feel more sorry for him. If I ever find out that one of my friends are cheating on someone, I will probably come hunt you down. Honestly, it's straight up rude, inconsiderate and a whole slew of other words. Please, save us all the aggravation and don't make me pull out my Katniss boots.
I guess those are my random jabberings. I'm sure I'll have more tomorrow, but for now, I need sleep. It's almost 2 am, after all.

Lonely.

I really don't understand it. One day, I'm perfectly happy and all seems to be going fantastically. I miss Doug, but I'm fine without him. Like on Monday; I was sure nothing was going to get me down because I got to email him for a little bit which made my week. Actually, probably more like my month. But no, just two days later, I feel all alone. I've been with people in class, texted others throughout the day and hung out with people today. It's like that Jack's Mannequin song Dark Blue, "Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?" My current answer is a resounding "Yes." And I don't know how to change that. On Sunday, Doug's brother jokingly said something about me just being lonely. But, in all honesty, I really am. Even in these crowded rooms.I don't much like feeling lonely.

As a Man Thinketh

Church today was a mega slap in the face. It was all about our thoughts. How they lead to actions which cause our successes and failures. Man, how true that is. Here's an analogy to explain what I learned:

Life is like a play and our thoughts is the stage. There are different acts within our lives, and within those acts are the scenes. Each act is a time period in our life; childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, parenthood, and so on. Each scene is a situation we are in; a grade in school, a date, a fight, etc. On each side of the stage are
two people, vying for our attention and the spotlight; Christ and Satan. We are the stage director. We choose who gets to go on and when, including the fight scenes and struggles we go through. But in each scene, only one of those people can truly be in control. So the question is, who do you want to be in control?

Christ or Satan?

The act I am in is young adulthood. My scene is waiting for two years while going to college into who knows what anymore. And I'm currently dealing with the big picture problem of my story line that is the ongoing struggle. The "I'm not good enough to please anyone." And "I can't let my past go so I'm just going to keep thinking about how utterly horrible I am." And let me tell you, this way of thinking sucks.

Our thoughts control our actions and the devil is trying his hardest to be in control of them. And to be honest, he's kinda got me right now. I can't break free from the hold he got on my mind years ago, which is causing so many internal struggles now. I'm nothing close to perfect, but I can't help but feel straight up horrible. Not because I expectmyself to be perfect, but because I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of some things I've done. I've tried and failed miserably, which I guess is the real problem. That I just keep coming up short. And this feeling of always coming up short in this regard has leaked into all aspects of my life.

I no longer think I'm good at anything. Not just no good at anything, but no good for anyone. I don't even feel like I'm good enough for Doug anymore, despite what he has to say about how I am. And I struggle with these thoughts every day, every hour. And every time I have to kill them before they kill me. But there are a lot of days where I don't win. And thoughts like these take over and take me down. But I was told something today, something that has changed my way of thinking.

I am better than I think I am. And God sees that. Even Doug sees that. And that's why he still believes in me, when I no longer do.

How I think makes me who I am. As a man thinketh, so shall he be.

I am a child of God. And I will treat myself as such. I will think of my father and I will be who he wants me to be. I will think of myself as Doug thinks of me, sees me; imperfectly perfect for him, striving to do my best, although I come up short, which is all he needs from me. That's all he needs from me. To think the best of myself so I can become my best self.

Here's to thinking the world of myself, and realizing I'm more precious than rubies.

Proving Yourself

Yes, that's right. Try as you might, you can't truly hide a thing, because God knows it all.Honestly, it's quite the unnerving thought. When you really think about it, anyway. He knows what you're going to do before you do it. He knows every action you are going to take, every decision you are going to make. He knows what classes you're going to register for, whether or not you're going to help that old lady with her groceries, what you did last summer. Yup, He even knows what you're going to eat for breakfast next week. And to think--you haven't even gone shopping yet.Sounds creepy, right? Or at least frustrating, isn't it? It's almost as though you're predetermined to do certain things; great at some, fail at others. Like God made you that way, made you to fail those 4 tests in one week, made you get that speeding ticket. After all, He knew it was going to happen, and He didn't stop it. It's not like you had a choice. In fact, it's almost as though you have no choice at all.If God knows everything, knows what you're going to decide, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of agency? That beautiful "gift" we've been given? We're supposed to decide and go with the consequences. Isn't that how the plan was made?So if we have agency, how does God know everything? How would He know what's going to happen? And if He doesn't know, that just makes everything I believe in come crashing down. If God doesn't know everything, then He doesn't know what I'm going through, doesn't understand my pain, and the atonement and repentance will never work. But that's not right.Can't we just fake Him out or something? Like, "Yeah, I'm walking here, and I'm totally going to turn left at the next corner... Oh, oh, snap! Fake left and I just went right. How about that God? Did you see that one coming?" Ironically enough, yeah, He did. But you still chose to look like a fool and try to fake out God.And there is a way for both to coincide together.We're told that God knows us so well that He knows exactly what decisions we're going to make. He is our father, after all, so it's only to be expected after millions of years knowing us. So think about this logically for a moment. Because He knows us so well, He knows what tendencies we have, the types of decisions we make and so forth. That's a given. So if that's the case, He has already determined where we are going to end up in the next life, hasn't He? I mean, He knows us perfectly, so surely He knows that. If we're going to make it to the Celestial kingdom, He's already aware of it. We can't fool him.So why come here then? If He already knows where we would end up, why send us here, knowing whether or not we were going to make it back in the end before we even get here? It's simple, really.What do we have to prove to God? I mean honestly, is there anything? Do we need to prove to Him that we can get back to Him, that we are capable? Not really, He already knows we're all capable of it. So that's not it. Do we need to prove to Him that we trust Him? Again, He knows everything, so doesn't He know that too, whether we really do or not?In all honesty, there is absolutely nothing we need to prove to God. Not a thing. How could we, even we needed to anyway? But the beauty of it, is that we don't.We don't do what we do to prove to God that we can get back to Him. He already knows we can. We do what we do and live this life to prove to ourselves that we can get back to Him. He already knows it all. Now, we need to know it for ourselves.

Training Wheels

Everyone told me it gets easier. They lied.
It's like riding a bike, they say. You might not do it for a while, but you always remember how to work that machine when you do the next summer. You are still steady and don't wobble all around like you did when you were first learning. You don't forget what it feesl like to pedal with your legs, with the wind blowing through your hair. That feeling stays with you no matter how long it's been since you last sat on that seat. I've been told this is similar. But those people were wrong.
It's not like riding a bike at all. It's been more than a year now and I don't remember much of anything. Sure, I know I should be able to remember what his hair feels like, the softness of his lips as they press mine. I should be able to recall the smoothness of his hands and the firmness of his chest when I lay my head to rest on it when watching a movie. But I don't. Not really.
It's as though I need training wheels again. As if I can't ride on my own anymore because the part of me that kept me stable and going is gone. And knowing when it's coming back doesn't help a bit, just like knowing that one day your training wheels will come off doesn't help the fact that they are still on. It's just this reminder that you can't do it on your own and you need help to get where you're trying to go. And I can't get there yet.
They all told me it gets easier; that once you've hit that one year mark, everything looks brighter because the number of days and months only gets smaller from here. You're no longer counting up to twelve, but down from it. You've gotten halfway and you're still going strong, or they say.
If that's true, why do I feel as though I want to break? Like my half a heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment because it can't handle not having its other half? Because that missing piece of heart is half a world away in a country I love dearly and miss severely. I lived in another country for half a year; please explain how the next year is somehow supposed to go faster than when I was there.I never thought it was going to feel like this. I mean honestly, how are you supposed to prepare for this, at 17 no less? No, no, I don't mean sending him off and being alone for two years. Although, that's a good point as well. But when I was a kid, I never thought love was gonna be like this. Where literally you're other half is with that person, and when that person is gone, that side of you is gone with him. Who knew something like that could start to develop in 17 year olds? And 2+ years later, it hasn't gotten any easier, honestly.
If it's just like riding a bike as they say, why can't I pick myself up and ride off into the sunset or up a mountainside?
Why do I need training wheels again?

Re·mem·ber

[ri-mem-ber] v. to recall to the mind by an act or effort of memory; think of again; to retain in the memory; keep in mind; remain aware of.
I never realized before what an important word this is. I mean, think about it, really. What if you don't remember where your class is for school? You can't go. What if you don't remember what day it is? What if you couldn't remember who loves you? What if you didn't remember who your family is? What if you don't remember who you are? Do you even know who you are?

For a long time, I've struggled with this. Remembering. I've always been told I have such a crazy awesome memory, but honestly, that's not entirely true. Sure, I could tell you the day, up to the hour even, of when I had my first kiss. And all right, it's a rare thing for me to forget when it's someone's birthday. But a lot of the time, I forget the important things. The things that really matter. Trivial matters such as song lyrics, birthdays and random facts, sure; I'm full of them. But the things that honestly matter, I always seem to forget.

Take, for example, all my dreams and aspirations. I want to be a writer. I want to be a photographer. I want to graduate from college with a degree in Psychology and go on to get a Master's. I want to teach seminary. I want to be a mother of at least 5 amazing kids. I want to be the best I can be. I want to get to the temple and marry the man of my dreams. I want to be with Doug forever. I want to live with God again.

But somehow, these things get pushed back all the time. I don't remember any of these goals, and instead of working on them, I sit on facebook, playing Bejeweled Blitz, stalking other people's pages and being a creep. I spend hours reading pointless fanfiction that is basically babble and not even worth anyone's time. And frankly, there's plenty more I do that I am way too embarrassed to admit. But occasionally I do something productive and write something of my own, or read a General Conference talk. Most of the time though I do nothing to achieve any of them. Why? Because I just... don't keep it in mind. I don't make the effort to think of it again.

Another point I never seem to remember; who I am. Now I know, that seems like it shouldn't be a hard one to remember, right? But I'm not talking about the fact that I'm half Norwegian since my mom was born there, or that Mike is my brother, and my dad grew up in Denver. I mean it's kinda hard to forget some of those things unless I get a concussion. But I'm referring to inside, who I am. Not where my physical appearances came from, but my spirit. Being the teenage girl that I am, I have a tendency to forget that I am pretty darn awesome. Honestly. Ask God, He'll tell you. Granted, I have a hard time believing in that, but it's true nonetheless. Why? Because I am a daughter of God. Literally. And really, I think that's pretty darn awesome indeed. But I never seem to keep that in mind. I don't remember it. I push it back, just like my dreams, and don't work any magic with that knowledge.

That's why "remember" is such an important word. Think about it; how awesome could you be if you always remembered that simple thing-I am a child of God. God is my father. Literally. I can look up at the stars in the heavens and say, "My Daddy made that. I'm gonna be like Him one day." How different would we act, how many things would we do, if we remembered that simple thing alone?

So remember. Remember the things that matter most. Remember who you are. Remember what you can become. Remember the feelings you've felt, the good times you've had. Remember the good times and learn from the bad.

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become your actions."

Keep in mind the things that are most important to you, and you'll achieve all you want and much, much more.