Missing

As I'm sitting here on my bed waiting for sleep to take me over, I find myself missing many people and writing a blog post about it when I should at least be studying for finals since sleep seems to be alluding me... But alas, here I am anyway. And to be honest, I don't regret it a bit, though I probably will in the morning...

I really dislike missing people. It means that the people I care most about are not currently in my life in a way that I would like them to be. It means I am not doing what I should be doing to keep in contact with the people I love so much. It means I haven't seen some people in far too long, and that really needs to change...

I really miss my unbiological sister. I haven't seen Marissa since her wedding and that was almost 4 months ago. I find something extremely wrong with this. Especially since we've only talked on the phone once and rarely text. I mean a lot of that is my fault, but still. The point is, I miss her. A lot. And I really need someone like her right now, a girl who understands me, who has been with me for so long that she knows my back story and doesn't have to ask why certain things are bothering me and why I'm concerned with others. I miss having that friend, and to be honest, I'm afraid I'll never get her back now that she's married...

Then there are the Schmlkhn's and my Ukrainian friends. I just miss them all, and that's all there is to it. I occasionally see some of them, but it's not nearly enough, that's for sure. And who knows when I'll get to see any of my Ukrainian friends, like Katya and Anya? Heck, I just miss Ukraine in general. Life was so much simpler then it seems...

I miss Jon and his family. I haven't heard from him in 6 months, and haven't seen him or his family in 9 months. The only reason I know of anything going on is because I stalk his family blog. Ugh. I miss being able to just go down to the Jr. High and chill with him and play stupid basketball and football video games, telling his class that I am his daughter, and having them all actually believe it. I miss his advice, I miss the way he would just listen to me ramble and I even miss him making fun of me. All the time. I miss his kids and their little giggles. I miss talking with his wife Kristen and having an understanding ear coming from a woman for a change; someone who won't judge because she has no actual connection to my future or being in my family. It's quite nice honestly, because she's honest and caring. I miss that too. Yeah, I miss the Frey's a lot.

I miss Tanner. I know, I know; it's a shock. Tanner, the kid who had it in for me for 2 year? Yup. I miss his standoffish nature. I miss watching him play basketball. I miss doing stupid things with him, like writing Doug a fake Dear John. Yeah, I miss him a lot too.

I really miss Brian. Not this new weird Brian, but the real Brian. The one who texted me for hours on end, talked on the phone late into the night, watched Hot Rod late on a school night, and ate gassed Oreo's with. I miss his advice, I miss hanging out with him. I miss his short hair. I miss the light in his eyes. I miss his smile, his laugh, his contagious happy personality which seems to have died and gone missing. I miss egging people's cars, talking on his roof and getting Macey's ice cream. I miss the Brian who actually enjoyed real music, who wouldn't change for anyone (or so we thought...) and who loved God. I miss texting him to wake up and get his butt to seminary, and having to explain to our class that we were not together, but we were best friends. I miss the spiritual moments we've had... because I'm afraid they'll never come back. I miss the Brian who knew who he was, not the one who wants the world to know who he is...

I miss Doug. A lot. Words cannot sufficiently describe the amount of miss I have for that man.  I could go all mushy and explain why in an extremely long explanation, but I'll spare you; mostly... I miss his smile and his laugh, his giggle and the light in his eyes. I miss the way he would look at me. I miss praying with him. I miss reading scriptures with him. I miss our tickle fights and wrestling together. I miss talking about Kolob while sitting under the stars. I just miss sitting under the stars, wrapped up in blankets. I miss his broad shoulders, I miss his soft hands. I miss his brown and green eyes, the little mole on his right cheek. I miss making so many inside jokes and giggling for hours together because of them. I miss playing tag with him. I miss cuddling with him. I miss his kisses. I miss holding his hand. I miss talking about being married, our future together... Ugh... I just miss him. Everything about him. And I miss him a lot.

190 days and I get him all to myself... and the other people in his life; like his family. But that's besides the point. He'll be all mine. 190 days. I got this.