Definition: Beauty

Let's take a quick drive down the road of Hollywood for a moment, shall we? I'll even let you have shotgun in my amazingly awesome, super sexy Aston Martin V12 Vanquish (shown here:

for your convenience), just so we look cool enough in the eyes of Hollywood. You know, sinceobviously what the world thinks is so important. Because, after all, it is the only thing that matters; haven't you jumped on that bandwagon yet? I mean, Ellen Degeneres says it perfectly in her recent Cover Girl commercial:

*close up of Ellen's face* "Inner beauty is important... but not nearly as important as outer beauty."

~End Scene for the Purpose of this Rant~

*screeching noise as Vanquish quickly stops and begins to careen wildly* Hold it.

She just said what?!

"Inner beauty is important, but not nearly as important as outer beauty." Please tell me I am going deaf and somehow missed the epic 90s "psych" clause made famous by Will Smith. There is no way she really said that. Is there?

Actually, there is.

That is Hollywood today people. Yup, it doesn't matter how awesome you are, if you're what the world claims to be ugly, you're screwed. That single zit on your right cheek? Yeah, sorry, you're no good. We'll toss you out like the rest of the rejects. Oh... those freckles... I'm sorry. There's just too many of them. You're going to have to go out to the back as well. And dear heavens; you weigh more than 105 pounds, and you're 5'8''?! You poor child. All that excess food you must be eating could feed all of Ethiopia.

I sincerely hope none of you honestly buy into this garbage, but sadly a very large percentage of people do. Nonetheless, I hope you rethink your thoughts on Hollyworld, because frankly, here's the "average" facts from multiple sources: The average U.S. woman is 5'4'' inches tall and weighs about 152 pounds. According to another source, the National Center for Health Statistics, the average weight for an adult woman is 162. 9 pounds. So here we have about a 10 pound difference, neither of which is anything close to Hollywood standards.

Now you're probably thinking, "That Cover Girl commercial had nothing to do with body weight. It's for make up." Well you're right. But here's the thing; it's all relative in this industry.

You can have the prettiest face in the world, but if you weigh more than what's "acceptable" then you're just not beautiful. This can also be reversed. You can also have the hottest body out there, but if your face isn't up to par, you also are not beautiful. At least, that's what Hollywood is trying to tell us.

Why are we letting these people, and in all honesty these evil people, control what beauty is defined as? Since when did inner beauty not matter as much as, if not more than, outer beauty? I mean, I know I'm not some hot looking celebrity, but I also know that I have some pretty awesome qualities and some things that make me plenty beautiful. And I don't need the fake world of Hollywood to define that for me.

Want the definition of beautiful from real people? Here:

1. That smile of yours. You know the one; you're laughing at a joke and you can't help but grin and laugh.
2. Speaking of your laugh, that's another beautiful thing about you. I have not met one person who, with their real laugh, was not beautiful. Sure, it's not what everyone else claims is beautiful, but the real laugh of someone, meaning real joy in that moment, is beyond beautiful.
3. Honesty. True honesty.
4. Your pair of eyes. Whether it's the honey suckle brown, chocolate brown, muddy brown, the steel blue, the not so brilliant blue, emerald green, pea green, bright violet, turquoise, that green and brown mix of hazel or the kind that change color every day. Eyes are the window to the soul; beauty is found there no matter what. Everyone has them and every single one of them are beautiful.
5. Continuing with the idea of number 4: Their eyes, not because it is a physical feature, but they are as unique as a finger print, show ANY kind of emotion, and are the rare glimpse God gives us into each person's soul. :)
6. Confidence in oneself and their abilities. Able to love themselves despite human flaws.
7. You know that person who has amazing amounts of patience. The mother who takes her screaming children to the grocery store, the brother who lets their little sibling tag along with his friends etc.
8. In fact, mothers in general. I don't think there's much more beautiful than that.
9. I love when people listen to me and not just hear what I'm saying. I love having them pay attention, respond to my comments, and ask questions. I love talking to people and having them actually care about what I say :)
10. Giving and understanding others.
11. Hope.
12. A willingness to serve. Helping others in their times of need; I'm pretty sure Gandhi and Mother Theresa were some of the most beautiful people to walk the earth.
13. Humility, that understanding that they cannot do everything on their own.
14. I love when I see people out, goofing around with little kids. The ability to let that inner child out and make little kids laugh, that's beautiful to me :)
15. Love

Can we please stop letting them have such control? The number one response I got was a persons eyes; in case you'd overlooked this fact, everyone has those. And that is what most people think immediately when they think beautiful. Not a single person mentioned weight, or perfectly toned muscles, the clearest complexion, or anything Hollywood would have us think is "true beauty."

Really people, if you see nothing else great, amazing and beautiful about yourself other than this, just remember: You are a child of God. I don't care what faith you are, a lot of people believe that whether you're a Mormon or any other type of Christian and many other religions. The fact remains the same-you are of noble birth. And if you don't have at least some confidence on that alone, then you are in for one crazy ride here in life. Especially if Hollywood is driving that pretty Vanquish with you in the passenger seat.

Sigh.

I don't think I've been hurt this much in years. Yeah. Definitely been years. I miss you Doug... So much.

Ponder, Wonder, and Wait

So I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Still. Here I was all stoked because I thought I'd figured it out... but I'm not so sure. :/

I just finished applying for the photography major at BYU. Which, honestly, I do believe is what I'm supposed to do. It's what I want, and when I look at the classes that I would have to take, I get excited for it. Photography excites me. Sure, Psychology was intriguing and interesting enough, but it's just not the same thrill I get at the thought of photography. But the problem is the fact I don't actually know if that's what I'm supposed to do.

My PB says something about how I would have guidance in my higher education and I would know that I was being guided by the spirit as to what I should pursue. I'm still waiting for that to happen.

So now I sit here and wait. And ponder and wonder and wait some more, hoping this really is what I'm supposed to do. I guess I shouldn't be concerned; if I'm supposed to get in, I will. But I'm kind of lost if I don't. I feel like this nut, left out in the street, on the cold, hard, wet ground, all lone. Waiting.

Oh life, what to do with you?

Everything is About ME

I hate people like this. 

Seriously.

People sit there and complain about how everyone is against them and they're sick of it. "None of my friends are happy for me. Everyone is against us being together and aren't happy for us, they just can't believe we did that. I don't understand it." That's one story I've had the misfortune of hearing. People aren't happy for you two because you made out and got together with the guy your best friend was with 2 weeks earlier and they only broke things off so that you wouldn't feel like a third wheel. Way to be the best friend of 10 years. Way to be.

How Time Changes

So, it's been over a year now since I've seen Elder Douglas Wade Johnson. I seriously cannot believe it has been that long. But I couldn't be more glad about it, honestly. I have less than a year until I get to see that boys face, and I don't think it's possible for me to be more thrilled at the thought. But as I look back at what pictures I have of us together, I can't help but notice all the changes in us both.

Roughly 2 weeks before he left for the MTC. I think we took about 50 pictures together that day.

This is Doug with his companion Elder Young as of Friday. He seems to have changed quite a bit, honestly. But maybe it's just me that notices those "subtle" differences ;)

And then there's me.

I think I look quite a bit better :P

Anyway, the point is, time is going by so fast and yet slow all at the same time. And it is changing so freaking much! I have changed so freaking much. I just hope that Doug likes the changes he sees when he comes home, because I'm trying to be my best... for him. I mean, for me too, and God, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly for him. :) Я люблю тебя Старейшина Джонсон :))))

Let the Scrutiny Begin

My life has been ridiculous lately. I want to know why.

Over the past few months I have:

been in court ready to testify.

had someone threaten to call the cops on me.

got another niece and nephew.

failed my first test.

actually, failed all but 2 (out of like 10) tests.

got a second job.

openly told a crowd I really do love my brother.

actually made it to the temple (finally!).

had my car break down on me in the middle of State Street.

met a sociopath.

considered going to a psychologist,

and immediately shot that idea down.

cried more than I have in years.

spilled my guts to a random person.

bought a ridiculous amount of shoes, specifically heels.

found the song that sums up the most important experience of my life.

been asked to be a Maid of Honor.

got my first ticket.

self diagnosed myself, since that's what all pre-med and psych students do

(in case you're wondering, I figure I'm bi-polar, depressed, or have SAD)

reconnected with old friends.

had ridiculous family drama.

had ridiculous friend drama.

seen my childhood best friend get married.

seen one of my high school best friends get married.

tried to be there for an old friend.

made a few new friends.

changed my major. Twice.

prayed for weeks (months really) and still feel ignored.

hit my one year mark. :)

fallen more and more in love with Douglas :D

Now, considering the fact I am trying to be vague, I want you to answer me this... what the heck? Is my family the only one not perfect? Nah, of course not. But freak, it sure seems like it sometimes. It's like the more involved I try to be with them, the less I want to be, but the more I have to be because it's my family and I care about them even if sometimes I wish I didn't. It's pretty ridiculous, honestly. Am I being punished for some sin I did years ago that I don't even remember? Is that why I'm failing so epically in my classes this semester, and why I got my first ticket? Really, cyberspace, I want some answers, if you please.

Only a few of these things from that list actually are concerning me right now. They're pretty much the only ones that I ever have. My whole disorder thing, for one. I'll open up that can of worms in a minute, after a word from Doug, who talks about number two, which really is a conglomerate of a lot of them:

I asked Doug the same question. What the heck am I supposed to do? That whole feeling ignored thing while praying thing is less than awesome, honestly. I'm supposed to be able to get some guidance about this whole "school" thing, but I'm coming up with nothing. It's getting rather annoying, to be frank. Because I am freaking out. And it's kind of a big decision to make. Doug's advice? Well, he read a talk by Elder Scott called Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer from 2007 a couple days ago and so Doug told me this: "He talked about how we get answers to our prayers and how sometimes we don't feel anything at all. He said that we should be grateful for these times because it means God trusts us and wants us to make the decision. He also said that we don't have to worry because God won't let us go too far without warning us if we made the wrong decision." And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "I don't even trust myself. Why in the heck is God trusting me?" I still haven't come up with an answer to that question, so if you do, let me know.

The next thing I want to share that Doug said to me recently is this: "I'm glad that you're learning more about yourself. It sounds like you're digging deep to find the base of the iceberg like preach my gospel tells us to do with our investigators. And once you start taking down the base then you're actually solving the problem and not just hacking away at stray branches." Keeping this in mind, let's go back.

So, to number one and opening up cans of worms. Since a few days before Doug said the previous statement to me above, I have been trying to figure out what makes me... me. Honestly. What the heck has made me be who I am today. Why do I act the way I do? Why to I pretend to have such a hard shell around everyone just to totally break down when I'm alone? Why do I bottle things up instead of let them free? This list of questions could go on forever. And I'm only just now getting to anything relatively close to the base of that iceberg under the water, which isn't even all that close to be honest. But since I've been finding these things (which has been painful as hell really) and truly trying to find the root of all these problems, things have began to make more sense. I'm amazed at how digging out the root actually makes everything make sense as opposed to just hacking away at those stray branches.

Man, see, this is why I love Doug. I would go into more detail about all of this, but this is pretty public, and I don't need the whole world knowing my story in quite as much detail as I am always inclined to give when my voice runs away with my mind :)

Jibber Jabber

So there are a million things I've wanted to say for a while about all sorts of things and have never gotten around to it; I finally am. Mainly because I'm bored, also because I'm trying to sort all of this stuff out for myself.
1. To all the parents out there; support your children. I know, you'd think that would be a no brainer, but I've heard of so many experiences not to mention my personal experiences where parents have a hard time doing just that. Instead, they feel they know everything and know what their child needs to do to be happy. I'm sorry parents, but newsflash, you do not know everything. I'm not saying we as children do, but chances are we have a better idea of what is wrong than you do, because we are living our lives, not you. If we feel like we want to try out for something and you don't think we'll make it, encourage us anyway! Telling us we have next to no chance doesn't make us want to come to you next time.
2. "My room and car aren't always clean. I don't typically put a great amount of effort into 'getting ready' (hair, make up, etc.) I just figure that the people who love me will love me either way. Maybe I'm not trying to be beautiful, understood or liked at the moment. So what? If you don't love me just because my face isn't shining like yours, that's probably more your problem than mine."I have never been so willing to quote a friend before. Honestly, if you're going to love me, you'll do it regardless of how I look, or what I do. I'm still not quite sure why people get so offended if I don't do every little thing they suggest to me, but seriously people. Take me for who I am or leave me be.
3. Being with friends and family and enjoying the company of others is a good thing, definitely something we should all do frequently. However, having time alone is also very important. Taking a step back to see yourself as you really are is something that needs to happen relatively often. The more time I do this, the more I see of myself, and more accurately interpret whatever in the world I'm doing with my life and why I've done what I have done with myself in the past. Which leads me to my next thought.
4. People will do some crazy things for attention. Myself, for example. I wanted attention so badly as a young teenager that I now have caused myself to have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), meaning every fall and winter, I have a type of depression. I haven't been "diagnosed" by some doctor or psychologist, but the symptoms are clearly there, have been for years, and I'm not just now self-diagnosing myself since I'm a first year Psychology Major (although, I just changed my major...). The point is, everyone needs attention. We all need a friend, someone who will be there for us. And if that need and feeling of a deep connection isn't met, we will do some crazy stuff to try finding it in less suitable and more outlandish ways. So if you see a friend doing stupid things that they wouldn't normally do, chances are, they need a friend. Be that friend.
5. Like the age old adage; Cheaters never prosper. This became rather evident recently when a good friend of mine was cheated on. Their lives are now a living hell, and I couldn't feel more sorry for him. If I ever find out that one of my friends are cheating on someone, I will probably come hunt you down. Honestly, it's straight up rude, inconsiderate and a whole slew of other words. Please, save us all the aggravation and don't make me pull out my Katniss boots.
I guess those are my random jabberings. I'm sure I'll have more tomorrow, but for now, I need sleep. It's almost 2 am, after all.

Lonely.

I really don't understand it. One day, I'm perfectly happy and all seems to be going fantastically. I miss Doug, but I'm fine without him. Like on Monday; I was sure nothing was going to get me down because I got to email him for a little bit which made my week. Actually, probably more like my month. But no, just two days later, I feel all alone. I've been with people in class, texted others throughout the day and hung out with people today. It's like that Jack's Mannequin song Dark Blue, "Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?" My current answer is a resounding "Yes." And I don't know how to change that. On Sunday, Doug's brother jokingly said something about me just being lonely. But, in all honesty, I really am. Even in these crowded rooms.I don't much like feeling lonely.

As a Man Thinketh

Church today was a mega slap in the face. It was all about our thoughts. How they lead to actions which cause our successes and failures. Man, how true that is. Here's an analogy to explain what I learned:

Life is like a play and our thoughts is the stage. There are different acts within our lives, and within those acts are the scenes. Each act is a time period in our life; childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, parenthood, and so on. Each scene is a situation we are in; a grade in school, a date, a fight, etc. On each side of the stage are
two people, vying for our attention and the spotlight; Christ and Satan. We are the stage director. We choose who gets to go on and when, including the fight scenes and struggles we go through. But in each scene, only one of those people can truly be in control. So the question is, who do you want to be in control?

Christ or Satan?

The act I am in is young adulthood. My scene is waiting for two years while going to college into who knows what anymore. And I'm currently dealing with the big picture problem of my story line that is the ongoing struggle. The "I'm not good enough to please anyone." And "I can't let my past go so I'm just going to keep thinking about how utterly horrible I am." And let me tell you, this way of thinking sucks.

Our thoughts control our actions and the devil is trying his hardest to be in control of them. And to be honest, he's kinda got me right now. I can't break free from the hold he got on my mind years ago, which is causing so many internal struggles now. I'm nothing close to perfect, but I can't help but feel straight up horrible. Not because I expectmyself to be perfect, but because I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of some things I've done. I've tried and failed miserably, which I guess is the real problem. That I just keep coming up short. And this feeling of always coming up short in this regard has leaked into all aspects of my life.

I no longer think I'm good at anything. Not just no good at anything, but no good for anyone. I don't even feel like I'm good enough for Doug anymore, despite what he has to say about how I am. And I struggle with these thoughts every day, every hour. And every time I have to kill them before they kill me. But there are a lot of days where I don't win. And thoughts like these take over and take me down. But I was told something today, something that has changed my way of thinking.

I am better than I think I am. And God sees that. Even Doug sees that. And that's why he still believes in me, when I no longer do.

How I think makes me who I am. As a man thinketh, so shall he be.

I am a child of God. And I will treat myself as such. I will think of my father and I will be who he wants me to be. I will think of myself as Doug thinks of me, sees me; imperfectly perfect for him, striving to do my best, although I come up short, which is all he needs from me. That's all he needs from me. To think the best of myself so I can become my best self.

Here's to thinking the world of myself, and realizing I'm more precious than rubies.

Proving Yourself

Yes, that's right. Try as you might, you can't truly hide a thing, because God knows it all.Honestly, it's quite the unnerving thought. When you really think about it, anyway. He knows what you're going to do before you do it. He knows every action you are going to take, every decision you are going to make. He knows what classes you're going to register for, whether or not you're going to help that old lady with her groceries, what you did last summer. Yup, He even knows what you're going to eat for breakfast next week. And to think--you haven't even gone shopping yet.Sounds creepy, right? Or at least frustrating, isn't it? It's almost as though you're predetermined to do certain things; great at some, fail at others. Like God made you that way, made you to fail those 4 tests in one week, made you get that speeding ticket. After all, He knew it was going to happen, and He didn't stop it. It's not like you had a choice. In fact, it's almost as though you have no choice at all.If God knows everything, knows what you're going to decide, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of agency? That beautiful "gift" we've been given? We're supposed to decide and go with the consequences. Isn't that how the plan was made?So if we have agency, how does God know everything? How would He know what's going to happen? And if He doesn't know, that just makes everything I believe in come crashing down. If God doesn't know everything, then He doesn't know what I'm going through, doesn't understand my pain, and the atonement and repentance will never work. But that's not right.Can't we just fake Him out or something? Like, "Yeah, I'm walking here, and I'm totally going to turn left at the next corner... Oh, oh, snap! Fake left and I just went right. How about that God? Did you see that one coming?" Ironically enough, yeah, He did. But you still chose to look like a fool and try to fake out God.And there is a way for both to coincide together.We're told that God knows us so well that He knows exactly what decisions we're going to make. He is our father, after all, so it's only to be expected after millions of years knowing us. So think about this logically for a moment. Because He knows us so well, He knows what tendencies we have, the types of decisions we make and so forth. That's a given. So if that's the case, He has already determined where we are going to end up in the next life, hasn't He? I mean, He knows us perfectly, so surely He knows that. If we're going to make it to the Celestial kingdom, He's already aware of it. We can't fool him.So why come here then? If He already knows where we would end up, why send us here, knowing whether or not we were going to make it back in the end before we even get here? It's simple, really.What do we have to prove to God? I mean honestly, is there anything? Do we need to prove to Him that we can get back to Him, that we are capable? Not really, He already knows we're all capable of it. So that's not it. Do we need to prove to Him that we trust Him? Again, He knows everything, so doesn't He know that too, whether we really do or not?In all honesty, there is absolutely nothing we need to prove to God. Not a thing. How could we, even we needed to anyway? But the beauty of it, is that we don't.We don't do what we do to prove to God that we can get back to Him. He already knows we can. We do what we do and live this life to prove to ourselves that we can get back to Him. He already knows it all. Now, we need to know it for ourselves.

Training Wheels

Everyone told me it gets easier. They lied.
It's like riding a bike, they say. You might not do it for a while, but you always remember how to work that machine when you do the next summer. You are still steady and don't wobble all around like you did when you were first learning. You don't forget what it feesl like to pedal with your legs, with the wind blowing through your hair. That feeling stays with you no matter how long it's been since you last sat on that seat. I've been told this is similar. But those people were wrong.
It's not like riding a bike at all. It's been more than a year now and I don't remember much of anything. Sure, I know I should be able to remember what his hair feels like, the softness of his lips as they press mine. I should be able to recall the smoothness of his hands and the firmness of his chest when I lay my head to rest on it when watching a movie. But I don't. Not really.
It's as though I need training wheels again. As if I can't ride on my own anymore because the part of me that kept me stable and going is gone. And knowing when it's coming back doesn't help a bit, just like knowing that one day your training wheels will come off doesn't help the fact that they are still on. It's just this reminder that you can't do it on your own and you need help to get where you're trying to go. And I can't get there yet.
They all told me it gets easier; that once you've hit that one year mark, everything looks brighter because the number of days and months only gets smaller from here. You're no longer counting up to twelve, but down from it. You've gotten halfway and you're still going strong, or they say.
If that's true, why do I feel as though I want to break? Like my half a heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment because it can't handle not having its other half? Because that missing piece of heart is half a world away in a country I love dearly and miss severely. I lived in another country for half a year; please explain how the next year is somehow supposed to go faster than when I was there.I never thought it was going to feel like this. I mean honestly, how are you supposed to prepare for this, at 17 no less? No, no, I don't mean sending him off and being alone for two years. Although, that's a good point as well. But when I was a kid, I never thought love was gonna be like this. Where literally you're other half is with that person, and when that person is gone, that side of you is gone with him. Who knew something like that could start to develop in 17 year olds? And 2+ years later, it hasn't gotten any easier, honestly.
If it's just like riding a bike as they say, why can't I pick myself up and ride off into the sunset or up a mountainside?
Why do I need training wheels again?

Re·mem·ber

[ri-mem-ber] v. to recall to the mind by an act or effort of memory; think of again; to retain in the memory; keep in mind; remain aware of.
I never realized before what an important word this is. I mean, think about it, really. What if you don't remember where your class is for school? You can't go. What if you don't remember what day it is? What if you couldn't remember who loves you? What if you didn't remember who your family is? What if you don't remember who you are? Do you even know who you are?

For a long time, I've struggled with this. Remembering. I've always been told I have such a crazy awesome memory, but honestly, that's not entirely true. Sure, I could tell you the day, up to the hour even, of when I had my first kiss. And all right, it's a rare thing for me to forget when it's someone's birthday. But a lot of the time, I forget the important things. The things that really matter. Trivial matters such as song lyrics, birthdays and random facts, sure; I'm full of them. But the things that honestly matter, I always seem to forget.

Take, for example, all my dreams and aspirations. I want to be a writer. I want to be a photographer. I want to graduate from college with a degree in Psychology and go on to get a Master's. I want to teach seminary. I want to be a mother of at least 5 amazing kids. I want to be the best I can be. I want to get to the temple and marry the man of my dreams. I want to be with Doug forever. I want to live with God again.

But somehow, these things get pushed back all the time. I don't remember any of these goals, and instead of working on them, I sit on facebook, playing Bejeweled Blitz, stalking other people's pages and being a creep. I spend hours reading pointless fanfiction that is basically babble and not even worth anyone's time. And frankly, there's plenty more I do that I am way too embarrassed to admit. But occasionally I do something productive and write something of my own, or read a General Conference talk. Most of the time though I do nothing to achieve any of them. Why? Because I just... don't keep it in mind. I don't make the effort to think of it again.

Another point I never seem to remember; who I am. Now I know, that seems like it shouldn't be a hard one to remember, right? But I'm not talking about the fact that I'm half Norwegian since my mom was born there, or that Mike is my brother, and my dad grew up in Denver. I mean it's kinda hard to forget some of those things unless I get a concussion. But I'm referring to inside, who I am. Not where my physical appearances came from, but my spirit. Being the teenage girl that I am, I have a tendency to forget that I am pretty darn awesome. Honestly. Ask God, He'll tell you. Granted, I have a hard time believing in that, but it's true nonetheless. Why? Because I am a daughter of God. Literally. And really, I think that's pretty darn awesome indeed. But I never seem to keep that in mind. I don't remember it. I push it back, just like my dreams, and don't work any magic with that knowledge.

That's why "remember" is such an important word. Think about it; how awesome could you be if you always remembered that simple thing-I am a child of God. God is my father. Literally. I can look up at the stars in the heavens and say, "My Daddy made that. I'm gonna be like Him one day." How different would we act, how many things would we do, if we remembered that simple thing alone?

So remember. Remember the things that matter most. Remember who you are. Remember what you can become. Remember the feelings you've felt, the good times you've had. Remember the good times and learn from the bad.

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become your actions."

Keep in mind the things that are most important to you, and you'll achieve all you want and much, much more.

Knots and Nots

Dear God.

Please untie the knots that are in my mind,
My heart,
And my life. Remove the hate nots,
The can nots,
And the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots,
May nots,
Might nots that may find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots,
Would nots,
And should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, 
Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
My heart,
And my life all of the "am nots"
That I have allowed to hold me back. Especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen.

Happy Birthday Doug!

So it's Doug's birthday today. And I can't even celebrate it with him. I didn't realize how sad that would actually make me, but it has. 3 years ago I'm pretty sure all I did was make some lame cheesy card in our radio class and give it to him. 2 years ago I spent way too much time on 2 mix CD's about us, and a letter that was ridiculously long and I didn't even give it to him. I gave it to his sister to give to him, which was just a bad idea. Note to self, little sister's read the letters you give to their older brothers if they know about them. Nosy little punks. Last year was an utter disaster with his friends. But at least I know my Russian CTR ring did the job it needed to. This year, I'm not even with him and I feel like it was an epic fail package I sent him. And next year I won't be with him either, so that's just lame too. It's not even the fact that I need some reason to celebrate with him... frankly, I just want him here. I know, I know. Suck it up, Buttercup. And I am. Really. I've lasted about a year now, right? How bad could the next one really be? Besides, I've only got 2 more years to plan one of his greatest birthday's ever. Hmm, maybe that's what I'll go do tonight...
Point is. Happy Birthday, love! I wish you could read this and know how much I love you. And see how amazing I think you are. And crazy awesome. And perfect. And fabulous. And... you get the picture ;)

A Day to Remember

So as I hopped on facebook today, I noticed a good friend of mine actually posted something (which he rarely does) and I was floored by what I read. And now, I'm sharing it with you, with small tweaks of my own, because today truly is a day to remember.
I wasn't alive during the Holocaust, and as a child I wasn't aware of the Rwandan genocide. But nine years ago I was a 10-year-old getting ready to go to elementary school and I remember the sinking feeling I felt as I watched an airplane smash into a building full of real people with real lives, real families, real hopes. Today I mourn man's inhumanity to man. I mourn the cruelty, the thoughtlessness, the violence, the hatred. I mourn the difficulty we have seeing that every human being is worthy of honor, of love, of compassion, of respect. I don't know how we fail to see that people who think and feel differently than we do still think and feel, that their lives matter as much to them as mine does to me. Life is sacred. Humanity is holy. Today as I mourn, I determine that I will be kinder because of what I remember. I decide that my sorrow will not turn to hatred, to vengeance, to violence, but rather to love, to forgiveness, to friendship. Today I want eyes to see the hidden sorrows that surround each soul, I want ears to hear the silent cries of the oppressed, and I want a heart that responds with a willingness to give of myself to help alleviate pain, sorrow, fear, hatred. Today I choose love.

Ugh.

So I just want to cry. Is that allowed? To just break down, because it seems like everything is falling apart left and right. It's like finally, Doug and everything is going great and perfect and never better in that regard. But everything else is just... not. And boy, am I ever sick of it.

"Hubby"

Seriously.
If I ever call my husband "hubby", then please.
Shoot me.
I beg you.

Death Traps

I got the worst possible news ever today. I mean, for someone who hates heels, anyway.
I just so happened to tell a story, which I also just so happened to be in heels for. Alright, alright fine. I’ll tell the story too. So on Sunday, it was one of Doug’s best friends farewells. He is going to Michigan. Anyway, I went to it, and me and a couple other girls were talking about how awkward it would be to hug Mason (the guy leaving, duh.) So, I surely wasn’t planning on it, especially since he basically hated me up until very recently. Anyway, I’m in heels right? And this girl I was talking with was all, “Go on, I already hugged him. It’s your turn!” She then proceeded to shove me, which, me being the awesome klutz I am (and also in heels, please keep that in mind), I went flying. Right in to Mason’s arms. And then he was holding me for a good 10 seconds, everyone laughing at us. And of course, him laughing at me too. Ok, fine, so I was chuckling a little as well. But the point is, heels are death traps. Oh, I forgot to mention that, because of said heels, I was just tall enough that Mason’s chin collided perfectly with my head. I then got a headache for the rest of the day. Yeah, it was fabulous…
So because of that story, which I wrote my fantastic Elder about, I got this response from Doug today: “Hey as you mentioned heels those are important to wear they’ve grown on me while I’ve been here.”
Excuse me? For someone who hates heels, that boy is asking a lot from me. Because essentially, he just implied he wants me to wear heels, basically all the time when he gets home. Does he realize how HUGE of a thing that is for me? I mean, honestly, I rarely wear them on Sunday’s to church or to any nice functions I attend. And now he’s hoping I’ll turn all Ukrainian on him when he gets home? I purposely tried to make sure I didn’t become all high fashiony when I was in Kiev just so he would be able to recognize me when he got home, and would actually still like the look of me. I mean, after all, he wears pajamas in public. He can’t be wanting me to look all up to do with him if he looks like that. Seriously, now he wants me to be Ukrainian. Gee, that would’ve been nice to know 4 months ago when I was still in the country…
However…
Hello? Does he remember how crappy my ankles are? Remember the time a couple posts back about how I basically DIED in Ukraine by messing up my ligaments, again. Yeah, that was with wearing running shoes. Just think of what would happen if I wore heels. Or what my back problems, or the knee problems that are sure to ensue? Or hey, what about the fact he’s only four inches taller than me? Yeah. Officially decided. My dear Douglas is crazy.
Oh well. I’ll humor him. I’ll try it out while he’s gone, attempt to get used to them just to appease his irrational desires. Maybe I’ll even wear them the day he comes home ;)

Life

Found a lovely quote of sorts today:

• My five year old, crawling up on my bed and putting his arms behind his head, said with a heaving sigh: "You know, mommy, I think I've got this life thing figured out."

Seriously. I wish I was this kid. Don't we all wish we were as brilliant as this 5 year old? I sure do.

All Things Are Possible to Him that Believeth...

I had the most enlightening experience today.

There is this thing that I do on ocassion that I have almost always hated. At first I thought it was a cool thing to do and in a way it was once gratifying I guess. But it has long since lost it's appeal and yet from time to time I still indulge myself in my past stupidity. Said stupidity used to be more frequent, but that frequency began to diminish as I continued to hate it. Now, I rarely do it, but it still bothers me profusely when I do. Like today. For years (yup, years) I keep saying to myself, "Oh well, this isn't going to change. It won't kill me by being stupid once in a while. And God isn't listening to me when I pray to get past this, so obviously it's not that big of a deal anyway." So basically, I have just prayed to God and expected Him to do the rest regardless. Or I would expect Doug to always say, "Don't do that, Heather!" when he was here. It was never about my will power; as you can see, I had none to speak of since I've given up so easily after all these years. I had thought that everything depended on others-my parents to teach me better, my siblings to treat me better, Doug to tell me no, Christ to just take this annoyance away. But I figured out today that it isn't any of that.

I was reading in the book "Broken Things to Mend" by Jeffrey R. Holland when I stumbled upon a scripture story and Elder Holland retells it with his own commentary. We've all heard the story: A father with an afflicted child first comes to the disciples, having a small amount of hope and faith that they can help. However, they could not provide the help needed and a shouting match is started amongst the disciples. This is when Christ walks onto the scene. The father then turns to Christ and with a weary, last resort kind of tone says:
"If thou canst do anything, have compassion on us, and help us.
"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
"And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief" (Mark 9:14-24).
Elder Holland then adds his own remarks, which is what struck me. "Only now, in this exchange, does he [the father] grasp that a great deal of the answer to his quest rests upon his own shoulders, or, more accurately, in his own soul." It is not what the world will do for us, it is what we will do for ourselves! I hadn't thought, for some reason, that it is my own faith that determines whether or not Christ can help me. No matter how big, small, or insignificant the thing may be. Obviously I will never get entirely past this pet peeve of mine that I inherenetly hate if I don't have the faith I can do it. If I claim it is never going to change, then it never will. If I lack the faith and hope, then what cause does God or Christ have to do it? I have to have faith, I have to believe for things to happen. Inside, I guess I've aways known that, but it was never plainly stated to me quite like it was here by Elder Holland.











From now on, I will believe.

Because Four Just Wasn't Enough

I have a blog for just about everything these days. Some are private, some public and all are functioning for different reasons. Photography blog. Private "journal like" and "rant about frustrations and stupid people" blog. Writing blog. Spiritual blog. The only thing I don't have is a public blog that is something similar to the private blog, with a much less chance of some people getting offended! Until now, that is.
Welcome.
Some days I may actually be funny. Some days I'll probably be sad (hey, you would be too if your best friend was gone for 2 years). Some days I might even have something worthwhile to say.
A fair warning though; read at your own risk. There will probably be rant posts, mushy "I miss my missionary" posts, rather pointless posts, random writing posts and anything else that just so happens to pop into my head that moment.
Until then, I bid you adieu. Пока.